All the latest action from the English top-flight, including Manchester United, Arsenal, Liverpool and Chelsea

Sunderland appear to be in need not so much of a messiah as an exorcist, haunted as they are by the possibility of going down while Newcastle stay up. Or maybe they could do with a bit of Roy Keane’s rage, given the meekness of their performance in losing 2-0 to a weakened West Ham side on Saturday.

When Keane stalked out in December, Sunderland had just lost five Premier League games out of six and had slipped to 18th place. The mollifying approach of Ricky Sbragia, Keane’s successor, brought improved results for a while but now, having lost four matches in six, they are lying 17th and desperately hoping that Alan Shearer does not start to turn things around up the road.

There was an uncomfortable air of resignation about Sbragia’s reaction to losing at Upton Park. “The first goal was always going to be crucial,” he said, “and unfortunately we conceded it. It was the old story.” In truth Sunderland never really looked like scoring even when some neat passing movements were unravelling the outer layers of their opponents’ defence.

One of the more obscure statistics reveals that 50% of Sunderland’s shots this season have been from beyond the penalty area. On Saturday it was hard to remember a single scoring attempt from inside the area, apart from one by Djibril Cissé, and having to restrict their best striker, Kenwyne Jones, to a substitute’s role following his World Cup travels with Trinidad and Tobago did not help.

Sunderland had more of the ball than West Ham, but only played two successful passes into the penalty area in the entire game

Sunderland’s next fixture is at home to Manchester United, to whom they lost narrowly at Old Trafford in their first match under Sbragia. They will do well to run United so close a second time but victories have to come from somewhere. “I thought we gave our all today,” said Sbragia, but if that is all Sunderland have to give, they really are in trouble.

Because of injuries West Ham were without their first-choice strikers and three of their regular midfield players. For nearly half the game they understandably lacked cohesion. One player, however, caused Sunderland problems from the outset: Junior Stanislas, a 19-year-old product of the Upton Park academy.

Stanislas played nine games on loan at Southend earlier this season, scoring three times. Saturday was his first start in the Premier League and for Gianfranco Zola he was a revelation. “Junior has been a surprise,” the West Ham manager admitted. “I knew about his technical skills but I didn’t know about his mental strength.” Youthful talents can be lauded too much too soon – witness the levelling off in form of another West Ham prodigy, Freddie Sears – but Stanislas is one to watch.

Not that Sunderland were paying him much attention three minutes before half-time as he stole into the middle to meet Luis Boa Morte’s low cross to put West Ham in front. So often the target of the crowd’s wrath, Boa Morte did well now. Released by Robert Green’s quick throw, the Portuguese outpaced the defence on the left before setting up the goal.

Eight minutes after half-time another youngster, James Tomkins, met Mark Noble’s corner with a firm downward header past Craig Gordon and after that the only concern for West Ham was the head injury suffered by Jonathan Spector in a collision with Tal Ben Haim. Zola said the American had suffered a short loss of memory. Maybe he thought George Bush was still president.

Man of the match: Junior Stanislas (West Ham United)

Should Sunderland have turned to someone more experienced?

• Delight, despair and all points in between
• To take part in the fans’ verdict, email fans@observer.co.uk

Arsenal 2-0 Manchester City

Louise Cowburn, Observer reader

I wrote a piece for the Observer at the beginning of the season suggesting it could be “au revoir” to Wenger if we didn’t win a trophy this year, but that won’t be the case now and that’s as it should be. Everyone was behind Wenger today, which was good. There was lots of creativity and a real sense of “teamship”; we basically took over the show. Having Fábregas back and Walcott there was massive. In fact, everyone was behind the team, and the players looked confident. Even Emmanuel Eboué got plenty of support when he came on.

Player ratings Almunia 9; Sagna 7, Touré 8, Gallas 8, Clichy 6; Denilson 7, Song 6; Walcott 8 (Eboué 70 7), Fábregas 8 (Ramsey 79 6), Arshavin 7; Adebayor 8 (Bendtner 70 5)

Kevin Parker, official supporters’ club We’ve become used to this away from home. It’s depressing. It looked like the players expected to get beat, but the worst thing was that they didn’t put up a fight. I thought Dunne and Onuoha played quite well, but beyond that there were several less than acceptable performances. There was no chanting for Mark Hughes to be out, but the reality is that it depends on the Uefa Cup this week. There were some individuals having a go at Hughes, but he will really be under pressure if we fail this Thursday. Everyone is waiting for that game.

Player ratings Given 7; Richards 6, Onuoha 7, Dunne 6, Bridge 5 (Fernandes 17 5); Wright-Phillips 6, Zabaleta 5, De Jong 5, Kompany 5 (Elano 38 5), Robinho 5 (Sturridge 76 n/a); Bellamy 5

Blackburn Rovers 2-1 Tottenham Hotspur

Bill Boaden, Observer reader

We didn’t deserve the win. Our passing was woeful, but we’ve got spirit and we’ve played better and lost. Tottenham didn’t help. It’s in our hands now and we should stay up. We’re supposed to respect referees, but Peter Walton was unsighted for the handball and still gave a penalty. We’ve had him before and he’s been poor. We’re happy with Allardyce. It’s not always pretty, but he’s got us organised.

Player ratings Gomes 7; Corluka 7, King 7, Woodgate 7, Assou-Ekotto 6; Lennon 7 (Zokora 81 6), Palacios 7, Jenas 6, Modric 7; Keane 6, Bent 6 Subs not used Cudicini, Dawson, Chimbonda, Huddlestone, Bentley, Pavlyuchenko

Dave Mason, Observer reader

We lost because we had no drive to impose our superiority. We were at least a division better than them, but we got into a comfort zone, and players like Keane and Jenas go missing. With Allardyce teams it’s watch your ankle time. How they got one yellow card for dissent alone is beyond me, and Diouf disgraced himself at the end by winding up our fans. Allardyce’s team was epitomised by Diouf’s sneering attitude.

Player ratings Robinson 6; Andrews 5, Nelsen 6, Samba 7, Givet 7; Diouf 6, Mokoena 5 (Tugay 62 6), Warnock 7, Pedersen 6 (Dunn 25 7); McCarthy 6, Roberts 6 (Ooijer h-t 7) Subs not used Brown, Olsson, Villanueva, Treacy

Bolton Wanderers 4-1 Middlesbrough

Aaron Haley, worldwidewanderers.co.uk

4–1’s a flattering result, but you have to win these games in such a tight league. Ricardo Gardner was outstanding and could be our player of the year alongside Kevin Davies. Gary Megson still gets stick. He has done well, but he’s the wrong fit for us. We needed someone with fresh ideas after Allardyce and Lee. But we’re safe now and you can’t argue with that.

Player ratings Jaaskelainen 6; Steinsson 6, Cahill 7, Shittu 7, Samuel 6; McCann 7; Davies 6, Muamba 6, Gardner 9, Taylor 7; Elmander 7 (Basham 83 6) Subs not used Al Habsi, Hunt, Puygrenier, Cohen, O’Brien, Smolarek

Rob Skilbeck, MSS-online.org

We’re down. We were relegated after the Stoke game but this was the final nail in the coffin. We gifted them three goals, and teams will punish you. The lesson for Southgate is that if you sign a £13m striker, make sure he can head. Alves missed an absolute sitter at 2–1. When we went down in 1997, we fought until the final day, but this time everyone’s already given up.

Player ratings Jones 5; Wheater 4, Huth 4, Pogatetz 4 (Taylor 36 5); Hoyte 4, Bates 5, O’Neil 5, Downing 5; Tuncay 8; Aliadière 5 (Emnes 74 5), Alves 3 Subs not used Turnbull, McMahon, Shawky, Walker, King

Fulham 0-1 Liverpool

David Lloyd, There’s Only One F In Fulham

It was a sickener. The stats will show that Liverpool had countless attempts, it was like crossbar challenge. We were in the game. They couldn’t finish and the fact that we lost shouldn’t detract from how well we were in the game. We had courageous defending – compact, solid. Murphy did very well against his old team and there were no real weak links. Unlike United they really came at us. There was full commitment from both teams and a feeling for us of being calm in the situation. I drove away thinking: where did he get the extra four minutes?

Player ratings 8, Konchesky 7; Davies 6 (Gera 79 6), Etuhu 7, Murphy 8 (Dacourt 76 6), Dempsey 6; Johnson 7, Zamora 6 Subs not used Zuberbühler, Nevland, Kamara, Kallio, Baird

Darren Phillips, ShanklyGates.co.uk

To borrow a saying: Football – bloody hell. It was amazing because a player not due to play comes on and has an impact. We didn’t seem affected by the international break. For a while it felt like the woodwork was giving Fulham an extra man. Fulham played much the same as against Man United but I think we had more chances. And we hit the bar four times – just a matter of inches but it never seemed it was going to go in. I’m delighted to be on top of the league again – you fear a draw just wouldn’t have been enough with United looming.

Player ratings Reina 6; Arbeloa 7, Skrtel 7, Carragher 7, Insúa 7; Alonso 8, Lucas 7; Kuyt 7 (Benayoun 7 76), Gerrard 8 (Agger 90), Dossena 7 (Babel 6 65); Torres 7 Subs not used Cavalieri, Riera, Mascherano, Ngog

Hull City 0-0 Portsmouth

Rick Skelton, HullCityOnline.com

A poor game, all in all. There were only about three or four serious efforts at goal in the entire game. Towards the end David James made a good save from Fagan and Portsmouth hit the post in stoppage time. Both defences were on top – Crouch didn’t win a thing and was well marshalled. It was a scrappy midfield. Glen Johnson should have been sent off for his first yellow card.

Player ratings Duke 7; Dawson 7, Zayatte 8, Turner 8, Ricketts 7 (Folan 85 n/a); Fagan 6 (Kilbane 71 6), Ashbee 8, Geovanni 6, Mendy 5; Barmby 8 (Marney 74 5); Manucho Subs not used Myhill, Garcia, Halmosi, Featherstone

Chris Gibbs, Pompey-Fans.com

The biggest cheer of the day was actually when Southampton’s score went up – as they’d lost! This wasn’t the best of games and you could see why both teams are where they are in the league. The match was crying out for a bit of inventiveness. Neither manager was prepared to commit more players forward. Kaboul was perhaps man of the match, but the keepers had little to do.

Player ratings James 7; Kaboul 7, Campbell 6, Hughes 6, Distin 6; Johnson 5, Mullins 5, Kranjcar 6 (Belhadj 76 7), Hreidarsson 6; Crouch 7, Nugent 5 (Kanu 64 7) Subs not used Begovic, Pennant, Basinas, Pamarot, Utaka

Newcastle United 0-2 Chelsea

Rob Higgins, Observer reader

The Shearer bubble of the past few days was already pricked before kick-off by the result from Blackburn and the atmosphere was surprisingly flat. Chelsea quickly showed they were different class with their slick passing, and our back four – with Coloccini as the new Titus Bramble – was always going to cave in. The second half was a stroll for Chelsea. The effort was there but we didn’t have the quality. It was great to see Shearer on the touchline but we need him in his prime and on the pitch. All the signs are that we’re going down.

Player ratings Harper 7; R Taylor 3, Beye 5, Coloccini 3, José Enrique 5; Lovenkrands 5 (Duff 44 4), Butt 4, Nolan 4 (Guthrie 69 4), Gutiérrez 4; Martins 4 (Carroll 80 n/a), Owen 5 Subs not used Forster, Smith, Geremi, Edgar

Trizia Fiorellino, Chelsea Supporters’ Group

We started poorly and for a long while it was looking horribly like the defeat at Spurs until Lampard – as usual – came to the rescue. After the first goal the team relaxed and we could’ve had three or four. It was peculiar that Anelka was playing wide, it was only when he came into the centre that we looked dangerous, I don’t know why Quaresma isn’t used more. I don’t think we’re back in the title race, we had our chance at Spurs and blew it. Newcastle were dire. They call Shearer the messiah and he’ll need higher powers to keep them up!

Player ratings Essien 8 (Ballack 57 7), Mikel 7, Lampard 8; Kalou 6, Anelka 6 (Di Santo 68 8), Malouda 7 Subs not used Hilario, Carvalho, Deco, Belletti, Mancienne

West Bromwich Albion 0-2 Stoke City

Terry Wills, Baggies@yahoogroups.com

Before the game we had already lost the war to stay in the Premier League but, considering our record against Stoke, I just wanted us to win this one battle. But instead of coming out of the trenches fighting, we came over the top waving a white flag. It was a huge letdown; we made the usual defensive errors and the game was effectively settled in the second minute. In midfield, we continued to overplay and pass the ball in every direction but forward. This result confirms we’re back on the road to nowhere in terms of securing a long-term position in the top flight.

Player ratings Carson 4; Zuiverloon 4, Martis 6, Olsson 6, Robinson 5 (Bednar 61 4); Morrison 4, Greening 5 (Koren 61 5), Valero 6, Brunt 5; Fortune 5, Simpson 4 (Teixeira 61 4) Subs not used Kiely, Hoefkens, Moore, Dorrans

Richard Murphy, Author, Stoke City On This Day

We’ve finally claimed our first away win of the season – but we always beat West Brom so we knew that was going to happen! It was a normal Stoke-West Brom game from start to finish: they had all the ball and we scored all the goals. But to start the way we did with Fuller’s strike, they were destined to struggle. We’re really playing to our strengths, we’ve got blokes who can score in Fuller and Beattie and neither goal came from a long throw. To be honest, Stoke fans always knew we’d stay up – and now we’re one step closer to proving that to everyone else.

Player ratings Sorensen 7; Wilkinson 7, Shawcross 8, Faye 8 (Pugh 75 6), Higginbotham 7; Lawrence 6, Whelan 8, Delap 7, Etherington 6; Beattie 8 (Cresswell 79 6), Fuller 9 (Olofinjana 89 n/a) Subs not used Simonsen, Kelly, Camara, Sonko

West Ham United 2-0 Sunderland

Pete May, author, Hammers in the Heart

Really good result today, considering the scratch team we had to put out. It was great to see Stanislas and Tomkins score, and players like Lucas Neill did well out of position. Even Boa Morte had one of his better games. If we can get results out of games like today and get a few players back like Parker and Cole we’ve got a chance of Europe, but it’ll be difficult. It’s just nice to see the academy still going strong.

Player ratings Green 7; Spector 6 (J Collins 73 5), Tomkins 8, Upson 7, Ilunga 6; Neill 7; Boa Morte 7, Noble 7, Stanislas 8 (López 90 n/a) Tristán 6, Di Michele 6 (Dyer 81 n/a) Subs not used Lastuvka, Savio, Sears, Payne

Martyn McFadden, A-Love-Supreme.com

We were too negative from the outset, and despite some good possession in the first half had no penetration. Worryingly, we didn’t show any fight. In the past we had players who may not have been as good but gave 110%; now we have better players who don’t give 100%. The matches against Hull and West Brom will decide our fate. Sbragia hasn’t proved himself. We need a high-profile, box-office manager.

Player ratings Gordon 7; Bardsley 7, Ferdinand 6, D Collins 6, Ben Haim 5; Malbranque 6 (Edwards 75 6), Leadbitter 6, Richardson 7, Whitehead 6, Murphy 4 (Jones 54 5); Cissé 6 Subs not used Fulop, Nosworthy, Reid, Healy, McShane

West Ham made light of a modest recent scoring record – and the absence of leading marksman Carlton Cole through injury – to further their European ambitions with this victory.

Junior Stanislas marked his first senior start by breaking the deadlock and James Tomkins also delivered his first for the club to increase Sunderland’s relegation worries.

Sunderland’s last six games have yielded just two points and they are now knee-deep in trouble. They played with plenty of confidence for much of the first half against a side with just four goals from their last seven league matches. But once the home side were in front they rarely looked back.

Sunderland had Craig Gordon playing his first Premier League game for four months after an impressive performance for Scotland in a midweek World Cup qualifier against Iceland. The £9m goalkeeper, who lost his place to Marton Fulop, had to contend with two early corners, but for most of the first half had little to do.

Robert Green was the busier keeper, turning aside a shot from Grant Leadbitter and diverting one from Djibril Cissé for a corner. But after Stanislas almost went through on the end of David Di Michele’s pass, the 19-year-old midfielder was in the right place at the right time to mark a memorable afternoon.

Green’s clearance was worked out to Luis Boa Morte on the left flank and he held the ball up well before spotting Stanislas, who touched the resulting low cross into an empty net.

Gordon was beaten again early in the second half and again West Ham’s scorer had particular cause to celebrate, central defender Tomkins heading home a corner from Mark Noble.

Sunderland brought on Kenwyne Jones to play alongside Cissé up front, but were under further pressure from another Noble corner and another Tomkins header. This time Gordon was equal to it.

The mood around Upton Park quietened after an injury to Jonathan Spector, who was taken off on a stretcher after lengthy attention and replaced by James Collins.

Chelsea were comfortable 2-0 winners in Alan Shearer’s first game in charge, while Stoke got their first away victory of the season

Preamble Hello. Am I the only person who is slightly uneasy with the literary acceptance, never mind the connotation, of the phrase squeaky-bum time? Or is that simply a consequence of being stuck on the toilet-less 2159 train from Newington to London Victoria last night for so long that the eventual relief - think Renton in Trainspotting, multiply it by a thousand and you’re still nowhere near - prompted a demob happiness and the giddy high-fiving of strangers? I’m not sure, but what I am sure about is that this is emphatically squeaky-bum time.

There are eight games to go in this essentially naff but peculiarly compelling Premier League season, but for many of the teams playing today it might as well be the final game. West Brom, Chelsea and arguably Middlesbrough simply must win to keep their respective hopes alive, and a few other sides are also in desperate need of pts x 3.

Like Sunderland, who have stealthily immersed themselves in the relegation battle after looking completely safe six weeks ago; like Hull, who are only four points off the bottom three and have a manager whose mood is zagging around like a demented windscreen-wiper; and of course Newcastle, who have beaten only West Brom since Christmas but whose world is a happy one now that they have finally lured Alan Shearer into bed for a small fee of £2m. They’re cheaper down the Charing Cross Road, we’ll tell you that for nowt.

The fixtures, with my predictions (and Sean Ingle’s in brackets). If you put £100 on either set of predictions, you stand to win approximately the square root of eff all

Arsenal 3-0 Man City (1-0)
Bolton 2-0 Middlesbrough (1-2)
Hull City 1-2 Portsmouth (0-2)
Newcastle 1-2 Chelsea (1-3)
West Brom 2-1 Stoke (0-2)
West Ham 1-0 Sunderland (2-0)

In case you don’t know it off by heart, here’s the league table. Funkily, it updates itself as the afternoon progresses. Newcastle will have 30 points until at least 3.02pm!

Emphatic proof that Alan Shearer is in purely for the love of the club, not love of that thing in the mirror “A friend of mine asked me this question: if you don’t take the job, and Newcastle stay up, will you regret it? And the answer was yes.”

Team news will be here just as soon as some flunky sends it our way.

Newcastle v Chelsea team news It’s an aggressive selection from Alan Shearer, with two wingers and Ryan Taylor at right-back. But with weary predictability he has reinstated the anachronism that is Michael Owen, even though Peter Lovenkrands and Obafemi Martins played outstandingly well together in the previous game against Arsenal. A specialist goalscorer? How quaint. I’m surprised he didn’t pick a sweeper as well, or put them out in the WM formation.

Chelsea drop Michael Ballack, which must have been uncomfortable for Ray Wilkins, given that Ballack has morphed into him of late. That decision has been coming, because Ballack has been phoning it in for months.

Newcastle (4-4-2) Harper; Ryan Taylor, Beye, Coloccini, Jose Enrique; Gutierrez, Nolan, Butt, Lovenkrands; Owen, Martins.
Subs: Forster, Guthrie, Duff, Smith, Geremi, Edgar, Carroll.

Chelsea (4-1-4-1) Cech; Ivanovic, Alex, Terry, Ashley Cole; Mikel; Kalou, Essien, Lampard, Malouda; Anelka.
Subs: Hilario, Carvalho, Di Santo, Ballack, Deco, Belletti, Mancienne.

Referee Rob Styles.

West Brom v Stoke team news

West Brom (4-4-2) Carson; Zuiverloon, Martis, Olsson, Robinson; Morrison, Greening, Borja Valero, Brunt; Fortune, Simpson.
Subs: Kiely, Hoefkens, Koren, Bednar, Moore, Dorrans, Filipe Teixeira.

Stoke (4-4-2) Sorensen; Wilkinson, Shawcross, Abdoulaye Faye, Higginbotham; Lawrence, Delap, Whelan, Etherington; Fuller, Beattie.
Subs: Simonsen, Olofinjana, Cresswell, Pugh, Kelly, Camara, Sonko.

Referee Martin Atkinson.

Hull v Portsmouth team news

Hull (4-3-1-2) Duke; Ricketts, Zayatte, Turner, Dawson; Mendy, Ashbee, Barmby; Geovanni; Manucho, Fagan.
Subs: Myhill, Garcia, Halmosi, Kilbane, Folan, Marney, Featherstone.

Portsmouth (4-2-3-1) James; Kaboul, Campbell, Distin, Hreidarsson; Mullins, Hughes; Johnson, Kranjcar, Nugent; Crouch.
Subs: Begovic, Kanu, Pennant, Belhadj, Basinas, Pamarot, Utaka.

Referee Chris Foy.

Bolton v Middlesbrough team news

Bolton Jaaskelainen; Steinsson, Cahill, Shittu, Samuel; Kevin Davies, Muamba, McCann, Gardner, Taylor; Elmander.
Subs: Al Habsi, Hunt, Smolarek, Puygrenier, Cohen, Basham,
Andrew O’Brien.

Middlesbrough (4-4-1-1) Jones; Hoyte, Wheater, Huth, Pogatetz; Aliadiere, O’Neil, Bates, Downing; Tuncay; Alves.
Subs: Turnbull, Taylor, Emnes, Shawky, King, McMahon, Walker.

Referee Alan Wiley.

West Ham v Sunderland team news West Ham have a couple of their youngsters, Tomkins and Stanislas starting in an injury-hit side. Kenwyne Jones is not fully fit so is on the bench.

West Ham (4-4-2) Green; Neill, Tomkins, Upson, Ilunga; Noble, Spector, Stanislas, Boa Morte; Di Michele, Tristan.
Subs: Lastuvka, Lopez, Dyer, Nsereko, Collins, Sears, Payne.

Sunderland (4-5-1) Gordon; Bardsley, Ferdinand, Ben-Haim, Collins; Malbranque, Whitehead, Richardson, Leadbitter, Murphy; Cisse.
Subs: Fulop, Nosworthy, Edwards, Jones, Reid, Healy, McShane.

Referee Mike Jones.

Arsenal v Man City Emmanuel Adebayor, Cesc Fabregas - for the first time since December - and Theo Walcott all return to what suddenly looks a very strong side, although the brilliant Robin van Persie is injured.

Robinho plays, mainly because the real jewel in City’s crown, Stephen Ireland, is injured.

Arsenal (4-2-3-1) Almunia; Sagna, Toure, Gallas, Clichy; Denilson, Song; Walcott, Fabregas, Arshavin; Adebayor.
Subs: Fabianski, Ramsey, Silvestre, Djourou, Bendtner, Eboue, Gibbs.

Man City (4-3-3) Given; Richards, Onuoha, Dunne, Bridge; Zabaleta, De Jong, Kompany; Wright-Phillips, Bellamy, Robinho.
Subs: Hart, Bojinov, Elano, Garrido, Fernandes, Mwaruwari,
Sturridge.

Referee Andre Marriner (W Midlands)

2.32pm “We know from Match of the Day that Alan Shearer regularly does to the English langauge what he once did to Neil Lennon’s head, so can we interpret that quote otherwise? Does he mean that he would regret being on the sidelines as the Great Escape is constructed? If so the regret relates to the extent of his involvement in the adventure rather than referring to the preservation of Toon Army’s place in the Premier League.” You’re a better man than I am, Naylor. And a more naive one.

2.39pm Blackburn have just jumped from 17th to 13th with two late goals against ten-man Spurs. You won’t be hearing from them again in this relegation battle.

2.43pm “How badly would Alan Shearer have to fail for the idea of him being the permanent manager of Newcastle to be destroyed forever?” wonders George Templeton. “Not just relegation, but a losing run so epic in these final eight games that Newcastle finish rock bottom. Would that cause the Geordie Nation to finally see Shearer for what he is and get beyond the notion of him as a second messiah?” It’s a nice thought actually. Any ideas?

2.51pm Alan Shearer is an arrogant ba- sorry, is a confident man. So confident that, you suspect, he half thinks he just has to turn up and wave a bit to put the club right. But at some point this afternoon - perhaps when Newcastle haven’t touched the ball for 10 minutes - that rabid mutt called Reality is going to have a huge, long, foaming bite on his swingers. At some point this afternoon, Shearer is going to look out onto the field and realise: we are absolutely terrible.

3pm Let’s go. They’ve actually kicked off before 3pm at Newcastle, such is the excitement. I think they should be docked three points for that. Disrespectful.

3.01pm “Re 2.43pm,” begins Alex Netherton, “I reckon Shearer kissing Roy Keane would do it.”

3.03pm: West Brom 0-1 Stoke (Fuller 2) You know you’re a desperately poor football team when…. you go behind at home to Stoke (last away win in the top flight 25 years ago). Ricardo Fuller has given Stoke the lead after yet another mistake from Scott Carson.

3.05pm “It’s amazing just how quickly a football ground can fill up,” says Louise Taylor, our lady at Newcastle. “A couple of minutes ago there were plenty of empty grey seats here but now they’re flooding in. They’ve played ‘Oooh Aaah Shearer - I wanna know how you scored that goal’ over the tannoy but now it’s switched to ‘Blaydon Races’. With Steven Taylor and Sebastien Bassong out injured and Nicolas Anelka starting for Chelsea, stopping goals may be Wor Al’s priority today.”

3.08pm: Bolton 1-0 Middlesbrough (Kevin Davies 7) For weeks and weeks I thought Middlesbrough would get themselves out of trouble. I was wrong. Kevin Davies has finished expertly - his sixth in nine games - to give Bolton the lead at the Reebok.

3.11pm: Arsenal 1-0 Man City (Adebayor 10) Surprise surprise. Fabregas crosses, Adebayor plants a free header into the net from eight yards.

3.12pm Here’s Paul Doyle at the Emirates. “Finding a convenient label for Arsenal’s formation is tricky today: it’s not quite a 4-2-3-1 because Fabregas is slightly more withdrawn than, say, Steven Gerrard is in Liverpool’s system, but nor is it a 4-5-1. So if you want to be pernickety about it, it’s probably a 4-2-1-2-1. City’s could probably best be described as a 4-3-2-1. Put that in your chalkboard and, um, smoke it.” Anyone who describes a formation in more than four lines is a pseudo-intellectual ass, Doyle. Fact!

3.13pm “Bit of doubt here about Robinho’s foul that led to the goal,” says Jamie Jackson, also at the Emirates. What a gig those two have got! “Appeared a legit shoulder charge…”

3.15pm Here’s Doyle again. “Arsenal’s goal is a lot easier to describe than their shape. Fabregas flighted a freekick in from the right, City cunningly left Adebaoyr completely unmarked eight yards from goal, and the Togolese headed the ball downwards into the net. The boys are back in town. The third returnee, however, is having less fun: Walcott is down receiving treatment on his knee following a clumsy tangle with Kompany. Doesn’t look too serious, mind.” Unlike you, Doyle, with your five-line formations and your refusal to watch anything that doesn’t have the words ‘Three Colours’ in the title. You’re as serious as this little fella.

3.16pm “Isn’t the convenient label for Arsenal’s formation ‘not good enough yet again’?” says Gary Naylor. I think they are very interesting Champions League outsiders myself, which should guarantee a 17-0 defeat to Villarreal this week.

3.19pm “Shearer is chewing gum in his technical area and doing a lot of standing around, hands in pockets, looking cool in his nice suit,” says Louise Taylor, offering a new meaning of the word ‘cool’. “There has been the odd finger point - not to mention the odd moment of anxiety. After seeing John Terry drift free at a Chelsea set piece Shearer called out to Iain Dowie: ‘Who’s meant to be picking up Terry?’ Judging by the puzzled look on his face he didn’t seem to fully understand his assistant’s reply.”

3.21pm Here are the scores, right here, right now:

Arsenal 1-0 Man City
Bolton 1-0 Middlesbrough
Hull City 0-0 Portsmouth
Newcastle 0-0 Chelsea
West Brom 0-1 Stoke
West Ham 0-0 Sunderland

And this is the table right now. Look where Stoke are!

3.24pm Shearer looks fairly smart actually, in his grey suit and thin tie. Iain Dowie? Well he’s Iain Dowie isn’t he.

3.27pm Any flies on Tim Travers are paying rent. “You may not like Mr Shearer as a person but he knows how to market himself to the fan base. If Newcastle go down, then the damage was already done & NO ONE could have saved them. If they stay up then he’s a genius who eats lighting, craps thunder and pees Newcy Brown!!” Eats lighting? Two exclamation marks?

3.28pm Middlesbrough are having a very decent spell. It really is now or never - as things stand they are six points off safety.

3.29pm “Thanks to Mr Travers for confirming how Newcastle Brown is made,” chuckles Ian Copestake, making me spit out a mouthful of said liquid for more than one reason.

3.30pm Anelka has just missed a one-on-one at Newcastle. That was a really good chance and, though he was under slight pressure, he should have hit the target. Instead he hit the side-netting at the near post. Rob Styles gave a corner.

3.31pm Here’s Richard Rae, our man at Hull. “Twenty minutes in and there are few signs of a pattern emerging at the KC Stadium. It’s one of those matches when once a chant has died down, a sort of nervous silence falls around the ground, and the shouts of the coaches and players can clearly be heard. No handbell in the Pompey end - what’s happened to Big Helen? It’s the battle of the ungainly up front; Manucho versus Crouch. Glen Johnson, a combustible character, having got himself booked a minute earlier, has been very lucky not to be sent off for a foul on Geovanni. Hull are picking up some momentum here.”

3.33pm “Nice move just now,” says Paul Doyle at the Emirates. “There were a few kicks, a header, then a shot and a save. It was good. The fans were glad. I hope that doesn’t come across as pseudo-intellectualism, Mr Chairman of Chalkboard.” It would do if I didn’t know what shirt you were wearing.

3.34pm Gelson Fernandes, on for the injured Wayne Bridge, has hit the post for Manchester City at the Emirates. Really it was a poor miss, because he had a ludicrous amount of space ten yards out to control Shaun Wright-Phillips’ penetrative pass, turn and pick his spot. That spot on the was the outside of the near post with Almunia beaten.

3.36pm Michael Owen has not yet touched the ball at Newcastle*. That he will score an 89th-minute winner is increasingly inevitable.

*A little artistic license may have been employed here. Not much mind.

3.38pm On Sky Sports, Paul Merson says Newcastle are playing for a 0-0. Bring back Keegan!

3.39pm: Bolton 1-1 Middlesbrough (O’Neil 38) What a big goal this might be. Boro’s response has been admirable - post hit, goal disallowed - and now they have been rewarded. A sublime, disguised through ball from the superb Tuncay put Gary O’Neil through on goal, and he scrunched his shot off a sliding defender and over Jaaskelainen.

3.41pm “Younes Kaboul has just headed over from five yards with only City goalkeeper Matt Duke to beat,” tuts Richard Rae at Hull. “Crouch set him up. You could see the chance coming; a City fan sitting in front of me kept repeating the words ‘Oh No’ during the build up. Here it’s pronounced Errr Nerr.” That ‘oh no’ bit sounds almost as good as this particular commentary.

3.43pm Boro are all over Bolton now. This is the thing about Boro: they actually have a team of very accomplished footballers. They just need confidence. Told you they’d stay up!

3.44pm: West Ham 1-0 Sunderland (Stanislas 42) A brilliant pass from Boa Morte allows the youngster Junior Stanislas to score what I presume is his first goal for the club. Sunderland are, as things stand, fourth from bottom. The moral of this story is: never appoint a caretaker manager, especially one who gets a raggy 4-1 win at Hull.

3.45pm: Bolton 2-1 Boro (Cahill 45) I’m sorry. I’m truly sorry. Boro have just considered a pitiful goal, allowing Gary Cahill a ludicrous amount of room at a free-kick to score from eight yards.

3.46pm “City have just been forced into another early change - Elano for Kompany - but they’re starting to get on top in this game and should really be level,” says Paul Doyle, who actually sent this message backwards, in Spanish. “Fernandes hit the outside of the post from 12 yards after being given the freedom of the box by the Arsenal defence. William Gallas bawled at his team-mates after that, brazenly.”

3.47pm Louise Taylor confirms that it’s business as usual for the Newcastle fans and Rob Styles. “Atmosphere strangely low-key here and some strange refereeing from Rob Styles. Nicky Butt got away unpunished with a neck-high, red-card-worthy challenge on Florent Malouda and Jonas Gutierrez got away scot free for a yellow-card-worthy tackle on Ashley Cole. Then Frank Lampard was rather harshly booked for diving when he had been clipped. Peter Lovenkrands is injured and has been replaced by Damien Duff. Lovenkrands looks in a bad way and Paul Ferris, Newcastle’s new head of medicine, has been talking anxiously into the mouthpiece on his walkie talkie headset.”

3.50pm So these are the half-time scores:

Arsenal 1-0 Man City
Bolton 2-1 Middlesbrough
Hull City 0-0 Portsmouth
Newcastle 0-0 Chelsea
West Brom 0-1 Stoke
West Ham 1-0 Sunderland

And this is how the table looks just now.

3.51pm “The Doyle effect: intellectualism also seems to be undermining Middlesborough’s defending if they ‘considered’ an awful goal,” says Ian Copestake, tittering at my 3.45pm update. I might set up a new social-networking site: Titter, in which people simply post entries that point out what a pitiful speciment of humanity I am.

3.59pm “Big Helen didn’t ring her bell for Pompey, it was for Man City, and unlike the guy at Pompey it wasn’t incessantly and devalued, it was when City really needed support she’d use it,” says Peter Green, in response to Richard Rae’s entry at 3.31pm. “It was probably kept behind emergency glass like a fire hose in a school, only broken out when needed. Also she passed away a few years ago sadly.”

4pm “I’ve seen enough of Middlesbrough this season to know exactly what you’re talking about,” says Nicholas Walton. “Sumptious, silky, and with as much potency and solidity as a marshmallow phallus. If the attack had even slightly functioned they’d be top half. Too good to go down etc.” And you just know they will take points off United when they play them.

4.01pm “The three half-time draw prizes were won by three consecutively numbered tickets. Mmm,” mmms Richard Rae. “About as fair as the competition to win £10,000 if you can kick a ball against the crossbar - from the halfway line.” I bet Jason Cundy could do it.

4.02pm Right, it’s time for some adult males to endeavour to play matchmaker between an object of the netty variety and the magical leather sphere.

4.03pm “You don’t like West Brom, do you Rob,” says Chris B. “Any chance of knowing why, apart from the fact we are seriously crap?” Quite the contrary: I was wowed by them when I did their game against Norwich last year, I think Chris Brunt has the capacity to be an extremely good player, and I have a huge amount of time for Tony Mowbray. But you are seriously etc, sadly.

4.04pm “So if not Big Helen, who rings the bell for Portsmouth?” asks Richard Rae. “Is it the tattooed bloke who looks vaguely like Noddy Holder?”

4.08pm In Germany, Wolfsburg are slaughtering Bayern Munich 5-1, while Hertha Berlin - the leaders this morning - are losing Borussia Dormund. So Wolfsburg, who were ninth at Christmas, are going top. You can get all the latest scores here.

4.09pm: West Brom 0-2 Stoke (Beattie 50) I give it 12 seconds before Gary Naylor emails to say that Tony Pulis should be Manager of the Year for signing James Beattie. But he’s got a point: Beattie now has six in 10 games and has scored a screamer that a) puts West Brom down, b) gives Stoke their first away win in the top flight since 1984 and c) gives Stoke a real, real chance of staying up: as things stand they are five points off relegation. What a marvellous job Pulis has done there with what is basically a collection of cattle.

4.11pm: Arsenal 2-0 Manchester City (Adebayor 51) Fabregas and Adebayor combine again to devastating effect. And to think we thought they might not finish fourth.

4.12pm: West Ham 2-0 Sunderland (Tomkins 53) Sunderland reluctantly accept West Ham’s moral right to turn their 1 into 2: James Tomkins is the second youngster to score for the Hammers. They go seventh; Sunderland will end today in 17th unless Portsmouth lose at Hull. They have Manchester United next, and are in serious trouble.

4.14pm “At half time Kath Cassidly, the long-serving St James’ Park press-room tea lady, confided that she is now on her 21st manager here,” says Louise Taylor. “She certainly has an excuse for feeling a little Messiah-ed out.” Don’t we all.

4.16pm: Newcastle 0-1 Chelsea (Lampard 55) Frank Lampard embraces his inner need to play party-pooper. Coloccini dithered risibly on the edge of his own area and was robbed by Anelka. His shot was deflected over Harper, onto the bar, and as it bounced down there was Fwank to head into the empty net.

4.17pm Alan Shearer has the look of a man who’s just swapped a cushy job coining it in by blathering inanities on a sofa for a job coining it in while trying to get blood out of a shower.

4.20pm “The Chelsea fans are chanting ‘Shearer, Shearer, what’s the score?’” says Louise Taylor. “Yet another shcoking error from Fabricio Coloccini let in Nicolas Anelka whose eventual shot against the woodwork, rebounded for Frank Lampard to put Guus Hiddink’s side one up….there are signs of the odd fraying managerial nerve in the home dug-out. When a Gutierrez cross failed to come off, Shearer was heard to proclaim ‘For God’s sake’.” Now he knows how we felt every Saturday night.

4.23pm Play, the state thereof:

Arsenal 2-0 Man City
Bolton 2-1 Middlesbrough
Hull City 0-0 Portsmouth
Newcastle 0-1 Chelsea
West Brom 0-2 Stoke
West Ham 2-0 Sunderland

4.25pm: Newcastle 0-2 Chelsea (Malouda 60) What’s happening is that our faithful hound Reality has just got herself a huge mouthful of Alan Shearer’s special place, and she’s biting like there’s no tomorrow. She won’t let go, bless her. She’s like a dog with a bone! Or, to translate, Frank Lampard has released Florent Malouda to make it 2-0 at St James’ Park. Just like he did last season, if memory serves, which it probably doesn’t given the abuse it’s taken these past 15 years.

4.27pm Newcastle’s next two games are away to Liverpool and Stoke. Just saying. You suspect that three games - at home to Portsmouth, Fulham and Middlesbrough - will decide whether they stay up, but by the time they get to those games they could be a fair away adrift.

4.31pm “The Chelsea fans are singing ‘ going down’ now,” reports Louise Taylor. “Malouda has made it two. No matter, still time for a Michael Owen hat-trick. Unfortunately Owen has barely touched the ball., Shearer has just replaced Kevin Nolan with Danny Guthrie. Will it be a tactical masterstroke.” The absence of a question-mark tells you all you need to know there.

4.32pm I was in a chipper mood. Then Alex Netherton, without even a single word by way of explanation, sent me this link. Oh, Alex!

4.33pm Michael Owen scores for Newcastle and, in a genuinely hilarious development, the assistant referee decides it hasn’t crossed the line before Ashley Cole clears. It was well in, “about an inch away from the net” according to Paul Merson on Sky. Who says injustice has to be depressin’?!

4.34pm Michael Owen must be starting to think he’s living a Truman Show-style existence, with every plot twist designed to push him ever closer to breaking point. Wait till Fabio Capello calls up David Nugent ahead of him for the next international.

4.36pm “I propose you start calling Shearer’s ’special place’ his ‘technical area’ from now on,” says Mac Millings. “Quite apart from the endless fun you could have with ‘Shearer’s fiddling around it his technical area’ jokes, it just seems like what he’d call it. Equally appropriately, Michael Owen calls his parts ‘my hopelessly outmoded point of attack’.”

4.37pm “Owen has just been robbed,” confirms Louise Taylor. “He appeared to have directed a shot over the line before Ashley Cole cleared the ball but Rob Styles merely waved play on. Replays showed it definitely crossed the line. Shearer has had a stern word with the fourth official. Maybe Hiddink wasn’t so wise to withdraw Anelka - whose headed flick created Malouda’s goal - after all. Newcastle have improved since his departure.” Di Santo replaced him, which is a peculiarly presumptious substitution at 2-0.

4.38pm: Bolton 3-1 Middlesbrough It’s all over. Matt Taylor’s long free-kick is left by everybody and sneaks into the net. You have to feel for Boro, who have played splendidly today, but who are going down unless they win at least four of their last seven. No, it’s not going to happen.

4.39pm “Seems NUFC needed a firefighter. Someone like Sam Allardyce, perhaps? Oh, wait…” says Robert Smithson. “Today, and perhaps even the rest of the season, won’t tell us much about Shearer’s ability. I think the only true lesson to come out of all this is: NEVER EVER BUY A FOOTBALL CLUB. Mike Ashley, you silly tool.”

4.40pm Richard Rae at Hull predicted this in the first half: Glen Johnson has been sent off for a second yellow card. Apparently that was a dodgy decision, but he could have been sent off approximately 97 times before that.

4.41pm “I know ‘Brazilian prima donna looks a bit ropey post-international fixture’ is hardly news,” begins Will Clunas, “but are we sure Robinho is still a professional footballer? Phoning it in is one thing; he’s texting it in, having borrowed his mate’s mobile to save credit.” He’s got his mate to text it for him an’ all.

4.44pm: Bolton 4-1 Middlesbrough (Gardner 84) This might be the weirdest 4-1 since Sampdoria mugged Napoli on their way to the title in 1990-91. Boro have dominated but are stung on the break by Ricardo Gardner. Bolton, with 37 points, are very nearly safe. Congratulations to Gary Megson, who gets dog’s abuse for… well what exactly?

4.47pm “There’s nothing much to say about proceedings in east Yorkshire,” says Richard Rae, cleverly using up 10 words of his quota* by saying that there’s not much to say. “One fine save by David James from Craig Fagan apart, there have been no efforts on goal worthy of the name. Glen Johnson was ridiculously sent off, a second yellow when Andy Dawson’s follow-through caught him on the knee. Looks like a point apiece.” Which you suspect both would have taken at the start. That’s fine for Portsmouth, whose home form will keep them up. Hull? I’m not so sure.

* We don’t actually have quotas. It’s not that bad here, although you do get locked in a cellar for 12 hours to dwell on what you’ve done if you misuse a semi-colon. And if you misuse a colon the gimp mask comes out

4.50pm “The Chelsea fans are now serenading Shearer with chants of ‘You’re getting sacked in the morning’,” reports Louise Taylor of that ever-witty bunch. “Andy Carroll is on for Obafemi Martins.”

4.54pm It has finished Newcastle 0-2 Chelsea, so for a couple of hours they are second in the table. It has also finished West Brom 0-2 Stoke and Bolton 4-1 Middlesbrough. Both those clubs are probably down, and the last place is probably between Newcastle (29 points), Sunderland (32) and Hull (34), who have just drawn 0-0 with ten-man Portsmouth, but Pompey hit the post in the final minute through Herman Hreidarsson. Portsmouth have 33 points, but they have a game in hand on Hull - a gimme at Old Trafford - and enough momentum (P6 W2 D3 L1 since they sacked the piano player) to get the points they need.

4.57pm Arsenal have beaten Manchester City 2-0, the same scoreline by which West Ham have disposed of Sunderland. So that’s just about it. The league table is here - “Funny how the PL table is arranged by wins. I guess they’re important…” notes Nathan Phillips - and I’m off to watch Andrea Dossena score 94 goals at Craven Cottage. Night.

• Drogba and Bosingwa to miss Newcastle trip
• Fábregas and Walcott back for Arsenal

Arsenal v Manchester City (Saturday, 3pm)

Arsenal welcome back Cesc Fábregas after three months out with medial knee ligament injury, but the Gunners will have to make do without leading scorer Robin van Persie, who injured his groin while playing for Holland against Scotland last Saturday, and Eduardo who suffered a similar problem while playing for Croatia.

Midfielder Abou Diaby (thigh) is out while Samir Nasri (virus) and Carlos Vela, who has had to make a long journey back from Mexico duty, are also doubtful.

However, Theo Walcott and Emmanuel Adebayor return as does Nicklas Bendtner (knee).

Arsenal (from): Almunia, Sagna, Toure, Gallas, Clichy, Walcott, Denilson, Fábregas, Arshavin, Bendtner, Adebayor, Fabianski, Djourou, Gibbs, Vela, Eboue, Silvestre, Song, Nasri.

Manchester City manager Mark Hughes could be without striker Craig Bellamy but expects top-scorer Robinho to be fit for selection against Arsenal.

Bellamy is a major doubt with the knee injury that flared up again on international duty with Wales and forced him to miss his country’s midweek defeat to Germany.

Robinho also limped off during Brazil’s 3-0 win over Peru on Wednesday, but Hughes is hopeful the 24-year-old will be available as City try and claim a first away league win since August.

Wayne Bridge could return from a hamstring strain, while Michael Johnson, Martin Petrov, Daniel Sturridge, Benjani and Didi Hamann are all nearing return from injury.

Manchester City (from): Given, Richards, Onuoha, Dunne, Zabaleta, Wright-Phillips, Elano, De Jong, Kompany, Robinho, Bojinov, Bridge, Garrido, Fernandes, Evans, Etuhu, Berti, Vassell, McGivern, Hart.

Blackburn v Tottenham (Saturday, 12.45pm)

Blackburn striker Roque Santa Cruz is to see a specialist next week if he fails to show signs of a recovery from a knee tendon injury.

The Paraguay international has been out for a month and misses a fifth successive game tomorrow when Tottenham visit Ewood Park for an early afternoon clash in the Premier League.

It is the same situation with midfielder David Dunn, who has been out of action for three weeks with an achilles problem.

Midfielder Vince Grella has returned to training following a groin injury and, although in the squad, tomorrow’s game probably comes too soon for him to figure.

Allardyce’s injury list stretches to four key players, with Brett Emerton and Steven Reid on the long-term casualty list.

Blackburn (from): Robinson, Bunn, Ooijer, Khizanishvili, Nelsen, Samba, Simpson, Warnock, Givet, Olsson, Villanueva, Tugay, Andrews, Diouf, Treacy, Mokoena, McCarthy, Roberts, Pedersen, Grella.

Tottenham club captain Ledley King should be fit for the trip to Ewood Park after resting his suspect knee during the international break.

Alan Hutton returned for Scotland from his foot injury last week but Jermain Defoe is still out, also with a foot complaint, although he is running again.

Spurs boss Harry Redknapp will make late checks on players who have been on international duty such as Wilson Palacios, Luka Modric and Darren Bent – who hobbled out of England training this week.

Tottenham (from): Gomes, Cudicini, Corluka, Hutton, Chimbonda, Bale, Assou-Ekotto, King, Woodgate, Dawson, Modric, Jenas, Zokora, Lennon, Huddlestone, Palacios, O’Hara, Bentley, Pavlyuchenko, Campbell, Keane, Bent.

Everton v Wigan (Sunday, 3pm)

Everton manager David Moyes will make a late decision on the fitness of Tim Cahill for Sunday’s visit of Wigan as the midfielder has not yet returned from international duty.

The Australian has spent the last week in Sydney recovering from a calf injury but did not play any part in the Socceroos’ 2-0 win over Uzbekistan on Wednesday.

Moyes is also waiting for the return of American goalkeeper Tim Howard, the only other player yet to make it back after the internationals.

Right-back Tony Hibbert has resumed training after a thigh problem but may not be ready to play against the Latics.

Everton (from): Howard, Neville, Jagielka, Lescott, Baines, Pienaar, Osman, Cahill, Fellaini, Saha, Jo, Rodwell, Baxter, Nash, Castillo, Jacobsen, Gosling, Wallace, Van der Meyde.

Wigan will be without Amr Zaki after the Egyptian striker again failed to return from international duty on time. It is the fourth time this season Zaki has gone walkabout after an Egypt game and looks set to be heavily fined by Steve Bruce as a result.

Jason Koumas has a hip problem which needs to be assessed, otherwise the Latics squad is at full strength.

Wigan (from): Kirkland, Melchiot, Bramble, Boyce, Figueroa, Watson, Brown, Scharner, Kapo, N’Zogbia, De Ridder, Rodallega, Mido, Kingson, Pollitt, Edman, Cho.

Bolton v Middlesbrough (Saturday, 3pm)

Bolton’s players all returned unscathed from international duty leaving midfielders Mark Davies and Joey O’Brien (both knee) the only absentees. Defender Andy O’Brien could feature after being rested in their last game.

Bolton (from): Jaaskelainen, Steinsson, Cahill, Andy O’Brien, Samuel, Riga, Taylor, McCann, Muamba, Gardner, Kevin Davies, Elmander, Al Habsi, Hunt, Puygrenier, Makukula, Shittu.

Middlesbrough winger Adam Johnson faces a fitness test after picking up two knocks playing for England’s Under-21s. Meanwhile, Chris Riggott returns from injury, midfielder Matthew Bates is back from suspension, but Robert Huth is a doubt with a sore knee.

Middlesbrough (from): Jones, Turnbull, Hoyte, McMahon, Taylor, Grounds, Huth, Pogatetz, Wheater, Riggott, Aliadiere, O’Neil, Johnson, Bates, Walker, Shawky, Downing, Emnes, Alves, Tuncay, King.

Fulham v Liverpool (Saturday, 5.15pm)

Mark Schwarzer and Clint Dempsey will play for Fulham in tomorrow’s clash with Liverpool. Australia goalkeeper Schwarzer and USA winger Dempsey only returned from international duty this morning but have already been involved in training.

Fulham (from): Schwarzer, Pantsil, Stoor, Hughes, Hangeland, Konchesky, Baird, Davies, Etuhu, Dacourt, Murphy, Gera, Dempsey, Johnson, Zamora, Zuberbuhler, Kallio, Nevland, Kamara, Gray, Barnes.

Liverpool are likely to be without defender Sami Hyypia and midfielder Yossi Benayoun for the trip to Fulham.

Hyypia returned from international duty with a knee injury, and manager Rafael Benítez doubts that the centre-back will be fit for the evening kick-off at Craven Cottage. He could be fit for Wednesday’s Champions League clash with Chelsea, however.

Benayoun went on World Cup qualifying duty with Israel already with a hamstring injury and now also has a calf problem.

Liverpool (from): Reina, Arbeloa, Agger, Carragher, Skrtel, Aurelio, Dossena, Babel, Mascherano, Gerrard, Alonso, Lucas, Torres, Kuyt, Ngog, Insua, Cavalieri, Riera.

Hull v Portsmouth (Saturday, 3pm)

Striker Daniel Cousin is Hull’s only doubt for tomorrow’s visit of Portsmouth. Cousin has missed the last two games with a back complaint and, having not reported for international duty with Gabon, must still prove his fitness.

The club’s other injury concerns, Michael Turner (thigh), Kamil Zayatte (knee), Andy Dawson (thigh) and captain Ian Ashbee (hamstring), are all fit.

George Boateng (knee) is set to return to full training next week but Anthony Gardner (back) and Jimmy Bullard (knee) are out for the season.

Hull (from): Duke, Ricketts, Turner, Zayatte, Dawson, Mendy, Ashbee, Marney, Kilbane, Geovanni, Manucho, Garcia, Barmby, Fagan, Halmosi, Folan, Doyle, Hughes, France, Cousin, Myhill.

Peter Crouch, David James and Glen Johnson have all returned unscathed from England duty for Portsmouth’s clash at Hull and Niko Kranjcar has reported no ill-effects after his efforts for Croatia.

On-loan Liverpool winger Jermaine Pennant has recovered from a thigh injury and should return to the attack, enabling Johnson to revert to his more familiar full-back role but Armand Traore’s hopes of a first-team recall have been hit by a damaged ankle playing for France Under-21s.

Reserve goalkeeper Jamie Ashdown is back after three months out with an ankle ligament injury and could return as cover for James on the substitutes’ bench but Jerome Thomas and Marc Wilson picked up further knocks in their midweek comeback attempts for the reserves.

Portsmouth (from): James, Johnson, Campbell, Distin, Hreidarsson, Pennant, Mullins, Davis, Nugent, Kranjcar, Crouch, Kanu, Kaboul, Pamarot, Utaka, Hughes, Belhadj, Basinas, Ashdown, Begovic.

Manchester United v Aston Villa (Sunday, 4pm)

Gary Neville is expected to return for the first time since January as Manchester United look to halt a two-game losing sequence against Aston Villa at Old Trafford.

Neville has been struggling to overcome a groin injury but came through a reserve team outing on Monday without a problem and is set to figure for Sir Alex Ferguson’s side.

Wayne Rooney, Paul Scholes and Nemanja Vidic are all suspended, Dimitar Berbatov (ankle) is out for a fortnight and Anderson is not likely to play after picking up a knee injury on World Cup duty with Brazil.

Manchester United (from): Van der Sar, Foster, Kuszczak, Neville, O’Shea, Ferdinand, Evans, Evra, Fabio, Ronaldo, Nani, Fletcher, Gibson, Possebon, Carrick, Park, Giggs, Tevez, Welbeck.

Gabriel Agbonlahor could be restored to the Aston Villa line-up as they look to end a run of eight games without a win in all competitions against Manchester United.

Agbonlahor was left out of the starting XI for the 5-0 mauling by Liverpool at Anfield before the international break with John Carew and Emile Heskey preferred in attack. But Heskey is ruled out with a hamstring injury he suffered after scoring the opening goal in England’s 4-0 win over Slovakia at Wembley last weekend.

O’Neill has to decide whether left-back Wilfred Bouma is ready to play any part after eight months out with a dislocated ankle. He came through a third reserve game in mid-week with no ill effects.

Aston Villa (from): Friedel, Guzan, Reo-Coker, L. Young, Knight, Cuellar, Davies, Shorey, Bouma, Milner, Gardner, Petrov, Barry, Sidwell, Salifou, A. Young, Agbonlahor, Carew, Delfouneso, Heskey.

Newcastle v Chelsea (Saturday, 3pm)

Newcastle manager Alan Shearer hopes to have three key players available for his first game in charge against Chelsea tomorrow.

Steven Taylor (ankle) and Sebastien Bassong (groin) are improving and have not yet been ruled out, while Damien Duff (hamstring) was expected to train today. Danny Guthrie is back in contention after an eight-match lay-off with a torn hamstring and strikers Andy Carroll (ankle) and Xisco (fractured toe) have returned to training.

But Shola Ameobi is out with an ankle problem and Joey Barton (fractured metatarsal), Mark Viduka and Ignacio Gonzalez (both achilles) remain on the sidelines.

Newcastle (from): Kirkland, Melchiot, Bramble, Boyce, Figueroa, Watson, Brown, Scharner, Kapo, N’Zogbia, De Ridder, Rodallega, Mido, Kingson, Pollitt, Edman, Cho.: Harper, Forster, Krul, S Taylor, Beye, Bassong, Coloccini, Enrique, Edgar, Cacapa, Butt, Duff, R Taylor, Gutierrez, Nolan, Guthrie, Lovenkrands, Geremi, Smith, Martins, Owen, Carroll, Xisco.

Chelsea are without striker Didier Drogba and right-back Jose Bosingwa for the trip to Newcastle. Drogba jarred his ankle in a training ground accident while Bosingwa returned from international duty with Portugal suffering from a hamstring strain.

Chelsea are boosted by the return of fit-again Nicolas Anelka. The France international has shaken off his toe problem to be included in the squad.

Chelsea (from): Cech, Hilario, Taylor, Belletti, Alex, Ivanovic, Terry, Mancienne, A Cole, Lampard, Ballack, Deco, Obi, Kalou, Essien, Malouda, Di Santo, Anelka, Quaresma, Stoch.

West Brom v Stoke (Saturday, 3pm)

West Brom defender Abdoulaye Meite returns to the squad for tomorrow’s clash against Stoke.

Meite has recovered from a hamstring problem and illness, although he may have to be content with a place on the bench as manager Tony Mowbray is set to continue with Jonas Olsson and Shelton Martis at the centre of defence. Albion have only conceded one goal in the two games they have played together.

Mowbray looks set to retain the side that started West Brom’s last match – the 1-1 draw against Bolton.

West Brom (from): Carson, Kiely, Zuiverloon, Hoefkens, Olsson, Martis, Donk, Pele, Meite, Robinson, Cech, Koren, Teixeira, Do-Heon, Valero, Brunt, Simpson, Fortune, Bednar, Moore, Menseguez.

Stoke manager Tony Pulis will assess the fitness of his international quartet ahead of tomorrow’s visit to West Brom.

Republic of Ireland duo Glenn Whelan and Stephen Kelly, Senegal star Abdoulaye Faye and Denmark goalkeeper Thomas Sorensen were all due to return to training this morning.

Kelly is likely to be on standby for full-back Andy Wilkinson (back), while Pulis has jet-lag fears over Faye who played in a friendly fixture in Iran.

Amdy Faye will be recalled in central midfield if Salif Diao (groin) fails a fitness test, but striker Mamady Sidibe will play no further part this season after a damaged cruciate ligament was confirmed.

Stoke (from): Sorensen, Wilkinson, Shawcross, Abdoulaye Faye, Higginbotham, Lawrence, Diao, Whelan, Delap, Beattie, Fuller, Simonsen, Etherington, Amdy Faye, Camara, Sonko, Cresswell, Cort, Pugh, Tonge, Griffin, Olofinjana.

West Ham v Sunderland (Saturday, 3pm)

West Ham striker Carlton Cole has a groin injury and may be out for the rest of the season. Scott Parker is carrying a groin problem but may still play, while Radoslav Kovac (thigh) has also picked up a knock.

Central defenders Matthew Upson and James Collins are both fit for selection after missing the last two matches, Savio Nsereko has recovered from a minor knee injury, but Valon Behrami, Jack Collison (both knee) and Danny Gabbidon (back/stomach) are out.

West Ham (from): Green, Neill, Tomkins, Spector, Ilunga, Noble, Parker, Kovac, Boa Morte, López, Tristán, Payne, Di Michele, Dyer, Lastuvka, Sears, N’Gala, Stanislas, Upson, Collins, Savio.

Kieran Richardson returns from suspension for Sunderland’s game against West Ham. But George McCartney is a doubt after sustaining a calf injury in Northern Ireland’s win over Slovenia on Wednesday and Calum Davenport is ineligible because he is on loan from the Hammers.

Ricky Sbragia will give late fitness checks to Kenwyne Jones and Carlos Edwards, who did not get back from international duty in the USA until Friday.

Craig Gordon is pushing for a return after playing for Scotland in midweek and Nyron Nosworthy returns to the squad after coming through a reserve game on Thursday.

Sunderland (from): Fulop, Gordon, Bardsley, Ferdinand, Ben-Haim, Collins, Nosworthy, McCartney, McShane, Edwards, Malbranque, Whitehead, Leadbitter, Richardson, Reid, Murphy, Jones, Healy, Cisse.

• Djibril Cissé involved in fracas outside Newcastle strip club
• Sunderland striker vows to clear his name

The Sunderland striker Djibril Cissé has categorically denied the allegation that he assaulted a woman outside a Newcastle nightclub.

Cissé was arrested during the early hours of Monday morning and later released on police bail after an alleged incident with an unnamed woman outside the Diamonds lap dancing club at 3am.

However, his spokesperson insists the French international voluntarily handed himself into Northumbria police to help with their inquiries and has vowed to clear his name. Despite reports to the contrary, Cissé, who is a teetotaller, had not been inside the club, nor had he been drinking, and was on his way past the Diamonds bar when the alleged fracas took place.

“Djibril categorically denies any assault,” said the spokesperson. It is not thought that he will be disciplined by Sunderland as the incident took place six days before their next match and he was not under the influence of alcohol.

Won’t somebody think of today’s rumours?

These are tough times all round. Politicians’ husbands are forced to pay for their own bongo; Madonna can’t even bring light into an African child’s life , and poor L’il Mickey Owen can’t play the horses no more. But spare a thought for the rumour mongers in international week. Fabricated tittle-tattle about footballers leaving one club for another club are about as scarce as custard in Kent. It’s all: “Frank said his leisure-shirt is too scratchy”, “Capello is brill says Wayne”, and “Bent can beat Beckham’s caps record, he’s that good, says everyone”. Etc … etc … and so forth.

So once again we’re scratching around at the bottom of the custard tins of Whitstable to bring you these globules of gunk. One of them features news that Nottingham Forest are trying to sign the MK Dons midfielder Peter Leven for £1m. See if you can spot it.

On the positive side, Cesc Fábregas is doing his bit, adding his own grist to the Mill, with claims that Real Madrid tapped him up in 2007. He hasn’t said he’s going, he hasn’t even told Madrid he’s going, not even just to get them off the phone. But hell, the merest whiff is good enough for us these days: Cesc Fábregas is going to Real Madrid!

In what might be a tittle-for-tattle strike on Spain, Rafael Benítez has been making eyes at Barcelona’s Samuel Eto’o, reckoning £18m might be enough to secure his services, and £28m in wages should keep him at Anfield for four years. Meanwhile, suits at Hertha Berlin will splash £4m to make Andriy Voronin’s move to Germany permanent.

Sunderland are looking elsewhere for their daily bread: Zak Whitbread, to be precise, who they hope to snaffle from Millwall ahead of West Brom and Blackburn.

Florent Malouda wants to stay at Chelsea, despite supposed interest from Juventus and Roma. But John Utaka is busy scratching the words “Done One” into his locker at Fratton Park, and is bobbing off to Bordeaux for £7m.

Leicester City will bid £2m for “Swindon sensation” Simon Cox, Coventry City reckon that the same fee should get them the Hearts winger Andrew Driver and Nottingham Forest are trying to sign the MK Dons midfielder Peter Leven for £1m.

Finally, QPR are going to eject Paulo Sousa from their head coach’s seat, forcing him to sit in the corner and watch Iain Dowie, Paul Ince, Gary Johnson or Roberto Di Matteo make a hash of managing the west Londoners instead.

And there’s still no custard in Kent.

What’ya got? Stick it in the comments box below.

The best images from the three top-flight clashes on Tuesday night