All the latest action from the English top-flight, including Manchester United, Arsenal, Liverpool and Chelsea

Alan Shearer is already taking out insurance on being a false Messiah

Another of those weeks when very little made sense and, once again, the catalyst was Alan Shearer. There he was surrounded by adoring press doing his best to look like a Messiah (albeit a pro-tem Messiah) and in reply to a tame question admitted he had taken the job because a friend had said to him how would he feel if he didn’t take the job and Newcastle managed to stay up.

This was odd. Surely the point of being a Messiah/Hero to the Geordie nation is that you take on the role because you could not live with dodging your destiny and Newcastle being turfed out of the promised land. If your nation, be it Jewish or Geordie, can be saved by a stricken Joe Kinnear or interim Chris Hughton there really is little call for a Messiah. With one answer Shearer had revealed that this whole exercise is all about Shearer and very little to do with Newcastle. He, and his brand, couldn’t live with someone else receiving credit for something he might have done so he graciously/grudgingly agreed to do it for however many hundreds of grand a game. Once again it is all about Shearer. If he succeeds he is hailed; if he fails he can say like so many false Messiahs before him, “if only I had had the time”.

The Shearer brand is based on the Shearer look and it was in evidence as he cased his many friends in the press room just reminding them, if such a reminder were needed, that it would be unwise to stray out of line. He even tried it on the fans, perhaps trying to stare down anyone tempted to put in an early critical call to 606. It is very similar to the look that Alan Sugar employs from his stacked chair as he surveys his boardroom full of nincompoops and it is probable that Shearer used it in his job interview.

Big Al has the brand, the look, the patented goal celebration but he doesn’t have the medals to back it all up. In fact he only has a single medal (1994-1995) for actual achievement and a host of gongs for mythical achievements (Overall Player of the Decade, Outstanding Contribution to the Premier League and the rest). Ruud Gullit was on to something when he told him he was “the most overrated player he had ever seen”, even if it cost him his job. It is also notable that the Geordie that Alex Ferguson regrets not signing most is the rickety and unreliable Gascoigne rather than the creosoted Shearer, and not signing him has never cost him his job.

Shearer’s appointment will automatically improve Match of the Day and thereby allow the BBC to increase its advantage over its only terrestrial competitor as ITV’s coverage continues to be hobbled by an over-reliance on one man. When they have a slot to fill the call goes up “Where’s Andy?” and, having located the tagged Townsend, the cameras are dispatched to do the show right there with Andy and whoever else is around. So it was that Wednesday night’s “reaction” programme featured Andy and drinking buddy Graeme Le Saux and someone who I assume must have been an autograph hunter and had been roped in at the last minute to do a bit of linking under the obviously cod name Matt Smith. How else to explain a discussion on “Being Wayne Rooney” which possessed not a shred of sense and Smith’s perpetual use of the phrase “at international level”. As in “you can’t waste chances at international level” whereas, I suppose, at national level, as the career of Shearer attests you can waste as many as you like and still be judged to have made the “outstanding contribution”.

New manager casts off his pundit’s caution as he sees first hand how tough it will be to keep his struggling team in the top flight

This report is a messiah-free zone, because to ascribe too many miraculous powers to Alan Shearer would only conceal the mediocrity of the side he now has seven games to save from relegation.

They can change the icon but the chaos that brought such a motley band of players to the Tyneside cathedral is still wreaking damage. Half an hour into this 2-0 defeat to Chelsea, Shearer watched Jonás Gutiérrez make a hash of a cross and yelled to his assistant, Iain Dowie: “That’s useless, that is!” Too late, you might cry, has Shearer’s punditry acquired an acerbic edge.

On the evidence of some fruity denunciations of his team’s often abject play we could conclude that he will do his best work for Match of the Day in the technical area of the ground he graced as a player. The last of the saviours will fancy his chances of a win a bit more at Stoke on Saturday yet this performance will hardly encourage him to break his pledge to stay for eight games and eight games only.

“It was a very hard task when I arrived and it’s harder now,” he said. “We know we’re in a fight and we’ll give it a fight. I’m still confident, and my players are, that we can avoid the drop.”

Outside the players’ entrance here, there is a bank of steps where the upturned faces of the barcode congregation have gathered over the years to cheer, beg, welcome back, denounce, protest, despair and generally vent their emotions on a club who have toyed mercilessly with their emotions. These scenes have led outsiders to see Newcastle’s following as a kind of cult for whom adoration of the leader is a necessary part of the St James’ Park experience. Shearer, though, is not buying into it.

Kevin Keegan always stepped on to this stage with a faintly moist-eyed, choked up look, but for “Super Al” it was the gunslinger’s entrance in a white shirt and tie and smart grey suit. As the snappers jostled and the bulbs flashed he walked to his vantage point at a stately pace and offered no acknowledgment to the crowd.

High marks are earned for that. The caretaker was being true to his promise not to hog the frame. He has seen too many empty personality cults to make himself another one. He left the field the same way after goals from Frank Lampard and Florent Malouda had left Newcastle three points from safety.

“I’ll try and do everything to deflect the thing away from myself. I think the result might do that, to be honest. Not that that’s a positive. Yeah, I was determined to try and keep it as low-key as possible.”

Inscrutability was always Shearer’s favourite mask and he wore it well except when forgetting that his comments were audible in the press seats. As the game commenced his gaze settled on a jumble of players assembled in different eras and from contrasting managerial philosophies, most of them incompatible.

“Who’s supposed to be picking up John Terry?” he demanded of Dowie after the England captain had carted his special brand of menace into the Newcastle penalty area for a set-piece. These are the unglamorous specifics of the survival trade: proper marking, defensive set-ups and the like. If messianic auras play a role in these areas, it is only to inspire players to perform the jobs they have been assigned on the training ground and in team talks.

Relegation-threatened teams place results against the Big Four clubs in a separate file. These are matches they expect not to win. Which is just as well, because Newcastle have not beaten Chelsea, Liverpool, Manchester United or Arsenal in 17 attempts. They have one win from 13 Premier League matches, or six from 31 overall. They have had as many managers (four) as they can claim home victories. This was their 200th Premier League defeat.

There is a pattern there, and Shearer can only hope to change it in the next seven games through sheer force of personality. He can neither buy new players nor sell those who materialised from obscure locations and have no business wearing a Newcastle shirt. He is heavily dependent on Michael Owen, Nicky Butt and Steven Taylor, who was absent yesterday.

According to the local paper, The Journal, “The Alan Shearer effect has created a spending boom in the region,” with the benefits felt in the “leisure, travel and retail sectors”. Five thousand extra ticket inquiries and an 8% rise in hotel bookings were cited as evidence. Hardly Klondike, but around town there was an unmistakable sense that this would be a day for expectant striding towards the ground rather than the usual pessimistic trudge.

By the time the game kicked off, though, the excitement seemed slightly mannered, as if the fans can no longer bring themselves to believe in saints. Not when they have to watch Ryan Taylor and Peter Lovenkrands. Or Obafemi Martins on one of his aimless days, which this undoubtedly was.

The pre-match idea was to urge Argentina’s Gutiérrez further forward and restore Owen to the heart of the team’s attacking play. Owen performed a role similar to Wayne Rooney’s for England, only a lot deeper, but Martins is no Emile Heskey or Peter Crouch. No real centre-forward play, a lack of width and duplication in a central midfield of Butt and Kevin Nolan: this is not a formula likely to have impressed Houdini.

At close of play, football across the north-east was threatening to take a three-club pratfall. A survey commissioned by the Football Association has found that this region produces more England players per head of population than any other. Yet Newcastle and Middlesbrough are in the Premier League’s bottom three, with Sunderland only one place higher. The odds are shortening on the fight to stay out of the third relegation spot descending into a giant derby match between Sunderland and Newcastle.

Home wins against Portsmouth, Boro and Fulham remain conceivable but even then points would be needed from the trips to Stoke, Spurs, Liverpool and Aston Villa on the final day. On his debut day as a manager, Shearer was looking at a team that reflects the endless sackings, U-turns and drift that landed Chris Hughton with the task of managing the side while Joe Kinnear was undergoing heart surgery.

Keegan, Kinnear, Hughton and Shearer. Even at such a capricious club no Newcastle fan could have expected that to be the managerial sequence in 31 Premier League assignments. For the fourth man in there can be no doubt now that this team need demolishing and reconstructing, which will cost money Mike Ashley, the owner, is probably disinclined to part with.

But for now Shearer can only be part priest, part hard man and part schemer as he seeks to eke out the 11-plus points Newcastle need to endure in the highest tier.

“The players don’t want to hear harsh things about themselves, they want to hear good things about themselves and the football club,” he said. Seven games to correct the seven deadly sins of chaotic ownership over many years.

What a surprise this was. Not that Alan Shearer failed to have an instant galvanising effect on the Newcastle players – no one actually believes he is capable of miracles – but that the famous Geordie crowd did not manage much of a response to the return of a favourite son.

There were no party hats à la King Kev, there was no great fanfare from a stadium announcer who announced Shearer as “the” new manager rather than “our” new manager, and most surprising of all there was not so much as a hint of Walking in a Shearer Wonderland from the crowd.

In point of fact there was nothing from the crowd. No bounce, no noise, no emotional welcome. The occasion was flat. Perhaps Newcastle are all messiahed out, and who could blame them?

Taking their lead from the terraces the teams duly served up a tepid, forgettable first half. You would never have guessed Chelsea were supposed to be challenging for the title, it looked a lot more like they were keeping their powder dry for Wednesday night at Anfield, when they will find a crowd capable of creating an atmosphere. In an almost featureless 45 minutes before the interval, only Salomon Kalou bringing a save from Steve Harper and Nicolas Anelka seeing a shot blocked by Habib Beye’s cover tackle were worthy of note. Newcastle produced even less, just a half chance for Obafemi Martins from a José Enrique cross that the striker was not quite sharp enough to accept.

Martins also shot high and wide early in the second half when a misjudgment by John Terry allowed him a run at goal. It was already beginning to look as though a scrappy game would only produce a goal through a defensive mistake and that is how it proved, though the error was Newcastle’s and the beneficiaries Chelsea. Fabricio Coloccini was too ponderous on the edge of his own area, allowing Anelka first to block his clearance then beat him to the loose ball, Anelka’s shot over the advancing Harper bounced up off the crossbar and Frank Lampard followed up for an easy header into an unguarded net.

That might have been enough to see off Newcastle, who had never looked much like scoring, though just to make sure Chelsea scored a second nine minutes later. Anelka was involved again, heading on an upfield clearance that came all the way from Petr Cech for Florent Malouda to easily turn Ryan Taylor and shoot past an exposed Harper.

Newcastle were possibly unlucky when Ashley Cole cleared Michael Owen’s shot from a position the striker spent some time insisting was at least a foot behind the line. Replays suggested Owen might have had a point, though it would have been a difficult decision for the assistant to award, and Rob Styles did check before waving play on. Shearer had a moan about it too when he checked his monitor but, being powerless to do anything about it, had to revert to striking a succession of macho poses in the technical area and occasionally appealing for free kicks. A bit like his final days as a player, in fact. Losing to Chelsea is no disgrace, though it is the powerless feeling Shearer is going to have to come to terms with, and quickly.

Chelsea were comfortable 2-0 winners in Alan Shearer’s first game in charge, while Stoke got their first away victory of the season

Preamble Hello. Am I the only person who is slightly uneasy with the literary acceptance, never mind the connotation, of the phrase squeaky-bum time? Or is that simply a consequence of being stuck on the toilet-less 2159 train from Newington to London Victoria last night for so long that the eventual relief - think Renton in Trainspotting, multiply it by a thousand and you’re still nowhere near - prompted a demob happiness and the giddy high-fiving of strangers? I’m not sure, but what I am sure about is that this is emphatically squeaky-bum time.

There are eight games to go in this essentially naff but peculiarly compelling Premier League season, but for many of the teams playing today it might as well be the final game. West Brom, Chelsea and arguably Middlesbrough simply must win to keep their respective hopes alive, and a few other sides are also in desperate need of pts x 3.

Like Sunderland, who have stealthily immersed themselves in the relegation battle after looking completely safe six weeks ago; like Hull, who are only four points off the bottom three and have a manager whose mood is zagging around like a demented windscreen-wiper; and of course Newcastle, who have beaten only West Brom since Christmas but whose world is a happy one now that they have finally lured Alan Shearer into bed for a small fee of £2m. They’re cheaper down the Charing Cross Road, we’ll tell you that for nowt.

The fixtures, with my predictions (and Sean Ingle’s in brackets). If you put £100 on either set of predictions, you stand to win approximately the square root of eff all

Arsenal 3-0 Man City (1-0)
Bolton 2-0 Middlesbrough (1-2)
Hull City 1-2 Portsmouth (0-2)
Newcastle 1-2 Chelsea (1-3)
West Brom 2-1 Stoke (0-2)
West Ham 1-0 Sunderland (2-0)

In case you don’t know it off by heart, here’s the league table. Funkily, it updates itself as the afternoon progresses. Newcastle will have 30 points until at least 3.02pm!

Emphatic proof that Alan Shearer is in purely for the love of the club, not love of that thing in the mirror “A friend of mine asked me this question: if you don’t take the job, and Newcastle stay up, will you regret it? And the answer was yes.”

Team news will be here just as soon as some flunky sends it our way.

Newcastle v Chelsea team news It’s an aggressive selection from Alan Shearer, with two wingers and Ryan Taylor at right-back. But with weary predictability he has reinstated the anachronism that is Michael Owen, even though Peter Lovenkrands and Obafemi Martins played outstandingly well together in the previous game against Arsenal. A specialist goalscorer? How quaint. I’m surprised he didn’t pick a sweeper as well, or put them out in the WM formation.

Chelsea drop Michael Ballack, which must have been uncomfortable for Ray Wilkins, given that Ballack has morphed into him of late. That decision has been coming, because Ballack has been phoning it in for months.

Newcastle (4-4-2) Harper; Ryan Taylor, Beye, Coloccini, Jose Enrique; Gutierrez, Nolan, Butt, Lovenkrands; Owen, Martins.
Subs: Forster, Guthrie, Duff, Smith, Geremi, Edgar, Carroll.

Chelsea (4-1-4-1) Cech; Ivanovic, Alex, Terry, Ashley Cole; Mikel; Kalou, Essien, Lampard, Malouda; Anelka.
Subs: Hilario, Carvalho, Di Santo, Ballack, Deco, Belletti, Mancienne.

Referee Rob Styles.

West Brom v Stoke team news

West Brom (4-4-2) Carson; Zuiverloon, Martis, Olsson, Robinson; Morrison, Greening, Borja Valero, Brunt; Fortune, Simpson.
Subs: Kiely, Hoefkens, Koren, Bednar, Moore, Dorrans, Filipe Teixeira.

Stoke (4-4-2) Sorensen; Wilkinson, Shawcross, Abdoulaye Faye, Higginbotham; Lawrence, Delap, Whelan, Etherington; Fuller, Beattie.
Subs: Simonsen, Olofinjana, Cresswell, Pugh, Kelly, Camara, Sonko.

Referee Martin Atkinson.

Hull v Portsmouth team news

Hull (4-3-1-2) Duke; Ricketts, Zayatte, Turner, Dawson; Mendy, Ashbee, Barmby; Geovanni; Manucho, Fagan.
Subs: Myhill, Garcia, Halmosi, Kilbane, Folan, Marney, Featherstone.

Portsmouth (4-2-3-1) James; Kaboul, Campbell, Distin, Hreidarsson; Mullins, Hughes; Johnson, Kranjcar, Nugent; Crouch.
Subs: Begovic, Kanu, Pennant, Belhadj, Basinas, Pamarot, Utaka.

Referee Chris Foy.

Bolton v Middlesbrough team news

Bolton Jaaskelainen; Steinsson, Cahill, Shittu, Samuel; Kevin Davies, Muamba, McCann, Gardner, Taylor; Elmander.
Subs: Al Habsi, Hunt, Smolarek, Puygrenier, Cohen, Basham,
Andrew O’Brien.

Middlesbrough (4-4-1-1) Jones; Hoyte, Wheater, Huth, Pogatetz; Aliadiere, O’Neil, Bates, Downing; Tuncay; Alves.
Subs: Turnbull, Taylor, Emnes, Shawky, King, McMahon, Walker.

Referee Alan Wiley.

West Ham v Sunderland team news West Ham have a couple of their youngsters, Tomkins and Stanislas starting in an injury-hit side. Kenwyne Jones is not fully fit so is on the bench.

West Ham (4-4-2) Green; Neill, Tomkins, Upson, Ilunga; Noble, Spector, Stanislas, Boa Morte; Di Michele, Tristan.
Subs: Lastuvka, Lopez, Dyer, Nsereko, Collins, Sears, Payne.

Sunderland (4-5-1) Gordon; Bardsley, Ferdinand, Ben-Haim, Collins; Malbranque, Whitehead, Richardson, Leadbitter, Murphy; Cisse.
Subs: Fulop, Nosworthy, Edwards, Jones, Reid, Healy, McShane.

Referee Mike Jones.

Arsenal v Man City Emmanuel Adebayor, Cesc Fabregas - for the first time since December - and Theo Walcott all return to what suddenly looks a very strong side, although the brilliant Robin van Persie is injured.

Robinho plays, mainly because the real jewel in City’s crown, Stephen Ireland, is injured.

Arsenal (4-2-3-1) Almunia; Sagna, Toure, Gallas, Clichy; Denilson, Song; Walcott, Fabregas, Arshavin; Adebayor.
Subs: Fabianski, Ramsey, Silvestre, Djourou, Bendtner, Eboue, Gibbs.

Man City (4-3-3) Given; Richards, Onuoha, Dunne, Bridge; Zabaleta, De Jong, Kompany; Wright-Phillips, Bellamy, Robinho.
Subs: Hart, Bojinov, Elano, Garrido, Fernandes, Mwaruwari,
Sturridge.

Referee Andre Marriner (W Midlands)

2.32pm “We know from Match of the Day that Alan Shearer regularly does to the English langauge what he once did to Neil Lennon’s head, so can we interpret that quote otherwise? Does he mean that he would regret being on the sidelines as the Great Escape is constructed? If so the regret relates to the extent of his involvement in the adventure rather than referring to the preservation of Toon Army’s place in the Premier League.” You’re a better man than I am, Naylor. And a more naive one.

2.39pm Blackburn have just jumped from 17th to 13th with two late goals against ten-man Spurs. You won’t be hearing from them again in this relegation battle.

2.43pm “How badly would Alan Shearer have to fail for the idea of him being the permanent manager of Newcastle to be destroyed forever?” wonders George Templeton. “Not just relegation, but a losing run so epic in these final eight games that Newcastle finish rock bottom. Would that cause the Geordie Nation to finally see Shearer for what he is and get beyond the notion of him as a second messiah?” It’s a nice thought actually. Any ideas?

2.51pm Alan Shearer is an arrogant ba- sorry, is a confident man. So confident that, you suspect, he half thinks he just has to turn up and wave a bit to put the club right. But at some point this afternoon - perhaps when Newcastle haven’t touched the ball for 10 minutes - that rabid mutt called Reality is going to have a huge, long, foaming bite on his swingers. At some point this afternoon, Shearer is going to look out onto the field and realise: we are absolutely terrible.

3pm Let’s go. They’ve actually kicked off before 3pm at Newcastle, such is the excitement. I think they should be docked three points for that. Disrespectful.

3.01pm “Re 2.43pm,” begins Alex Netherton, “I reckon Shearer kissing Roy Keane would do it.”

3.03pm: West Brom 0-1 Stoke (Fuller 2) You know you’re a desperately poor football team when…. you go behind at home to Stoke (last away win in the top flight 25 years ago). Ricardo Fuller has given Stoke the lead after yet another mistake from Scott Carson.

3.05pm “It’s amazing just how quickly a football ground can fill up,” says Louise Taylor, our lady at Newcastle. “A couple of minutes ago there were plenty of empty grey seats here but now they’re flooding in. They’ve played ‘Oooh Aaah Shearer - I wanna know how you scored that goal’ over the tannoy but now it’s switched to ‘Blaydon Races’. With Steven Taylor and Sebastien Bassong out injured and Nicolas Anelka starting for Chelsea, stopping goals may be Wor Al’s priority today.”

3.08pm: Bolton 1-0 Middlesbrough (Kevin Davies 7) For weeks and weeks I thought Middlesbrough would get themselves out of trouble. I was wrong. Kevin Davies has finished expertly - his sixth in nine games - to give Bolton the lead at the Reebok.

3.11pm: Arsenal 1-0 Man City (Adebayor 10) Surprise surprise. Fabregas crosses, Adebayor plants a free header into the net from eight yards.

3.12pm Here’s Paul Doyle at the Emirates. “Finding a convenient label for Arsenal’s formation is tricky today: it’s not quite a 4-2-3-1 because Fabregas is slightly more withdrawn than, say, Steven Gerrard is in Liverpool’s system, but nor is it a 4-5-1. So if you want to be pernickety about it, it’s probably a 4-2-1-2-1. City’s could probably best be described as a 4-3-2-1. Put that in your chalkboard and, um, smoke it.” Anyone who describes a formation in more than four lines is a pseudo-intellectual ass, Doyle. Fact!

3.13pm “Bit of doubt here about Robinho’s foul that led to the goal,” says Jamie Jackson, also at the Emirates. What a gig those two have got! “Appeared a legit shoulder charge…”

3.15pm Here’s Doyle again. “Arsenal’s goal is a lot easier to describe than their shape. Fabregas flighted a freekick in from the right, City cunningly left Adebaoyr completely unmarked eight yards from goal, and the Togolese headed the ball downwards into the net. The boys are back in town. The third returnee, however, is having less fun: Walcott is down receiving treatment on his knee following a clumsy tangle with Kompany. Doesn’t look too serious, mind.” Unlike you, Doyle, with your five-line formations and your refusal to watch anything that doesn’t have the words ‘Three Colours’ in the title. You’re as serious as this little fella.

3.16pm “Isn’t the convenient label for Arsenal’s formation ‘not good enough yet again’?” says Gary Naylor. I think they are very interesting Champions League outsiders myself, which should guarantee a 17-0 defeat to Villarreal this week.

3.19pm “Shearer is chewing gum in his technical area and doing a lot of standing around, hands in pockets, looking cool in his nice suit,” says Louise Taylor, offering a new meaning of the word ‘cool’. “There has been the odd finger point - not to mention the odd moment of anxiety. After seeing John Terry drift free at a Chelsea set piece Shearer called out to Iain Dowie: ‘Who’s meant to be picking up Terry?’ Judging by the puzzled look on his face he didn’t seem to fully understand his assistant’s reply.”

3.21pm Here are the scores, right here, right now:

Arsenal 1-0 Man City
Bolton 1-0 Middlesbrough
Hull City 0-0 Portsmouth
Newcastle 0-0 Chelsea
West Brom 0-1 Stoke
West Ham 0-0 Sunderland

And this is the table right now. Look where Stoke are!

3.24pm Shearer looks fairly smart actually, in his grey suit and thin tie. Iain Dowie? Well he’s Iain Dowie isn’t he.

3.27pm Any flies on Tim Travers are paying rent. “You may not like Mr Shearer as a person but he knows how to market himself to the fan base. If Newcastle go down, then the damage was already done & NO ONE could have saved them. If they stay up then he’s a genius who eats lighting, craps thunder and pees Newcy Brown!!” Eats lighting? Two exclamation marks?

3.28pm Middlesbrough are having a very decent spell. It really is now or never - as things stand they are six points off safety.

3.29pm “Thanks to Mr Travers for confirming how Newcastle Brown is made,” chuckles Ian Copestake, making me spit out a mouthful of said liquid for more than one reason.

3.30pm Anelka has just missed a one-on-one at Newcastle. That was a really good chance and, though he was under slight pressure, he should have hit the target. Instead he hit the side-netting at the near post. Rob Styles gave a corner.

3.31pm Here’s Richard Rae, our man at Hull. “Twenty minutes in and there are few signs of a pattern emerging at the KC Stadium. It’s one of those matches when once a chant has died down, a sort of nervous silence falls around the ground, and the shouts of the coaches and players can clearly be heard. No handbell in the Pompey end - what’s happened to Big Helen? It’s the battle of the ungainly up front; Manucho versus Crouch. Glen Johnson, a combustible character, having got himself booked a minute earlier, has been very lucky not to be sent off for a foul on Geovanni. Hull are picking up some momentum here.”

3.33pm “Nice move just now,” says Paul Doyle at the Emirates. “There were a few kicks, a header, then a shot and a save. It was good. The fans were glad. I hope that doesn’t come across as pseudo-intellectualism, Mr Chairman of Chalkboard.” It would do if I didn’t know what shirt you were wearing.

3.34pm Gelson Fernandes, on for the injured Wayne Bridge, has hit the post for Manchester City at the Emirates. Really it was a poor miss, because he had a ludicrous amount of space ten yards out to control Shaun Wright-Phillips’ penetrative pass, turn and pick his spot. That spot on the was the outside of the near post with Almunia beaten.

3.36pm Michael Owen has not yet touched the ball at Newcastle*. That he will score an 89th-minute winner is increasingly inevitable.

*A little artistic license may have been employed here. Not much mind.

3.38pm On Sky Sports, Paul Merson says Newcastle are playing for a 0-0. Bring back Keegan!

3.39pm: Bolton 1-1 Middlesbrough (O’Neil 38) What a big goal this might be. Boro’s response has been admirable - post hit, goal disallowed - and now they have been rewarded. A sublime, disguised through ball from the superb Tuncay put Gary O’Neil through on goal, and he scrunched his shot off a sliding defender and over Jaaskelainen.

3.41pm “Younes Kaboul has just headed over from five yards with only City goalkeeper Matt Duke to beat,” tuts Richard Rae at Hull. “Crouch set him up. You could see the chance coming; a City fan sitting in front of me kept repeating the words ‘Oh No’ during the build up. Here it’s pronounced Errr Nerr.” That ‘oh no’ bit sounds almost as good as this particular commentary.

3.43pm Boro are all over Bolton now. This is the thing about Boro: they actually have a team of very accomplished footballers. They just need confidence. Told you they’d stay up!

3.44pm: West Ham 1-0 Sunderland (Stanislas 42) A brilliant pass from Boa Morte allows the youngster Junior Stanislas to score what I presume is his first goal for the club. Sunderland are, as things stand, fourth from bottom. The moral of this story is: never appoint a caretaker manager, especially one who gets a raggy 4-1 win at Hull.

3.45pm: Bolton 2-1 Boro (Cahill 45) I’m sorry. I’m truly sorry. Boro have just considered a pitiful goal, allowing Gary Cahill a ludicrous amount of room at a free-kick to score from eight yards.

3.46pm “City have just been forced into another early change - Elano for Kompany - but they’re starting to get on top in this game and should really be level,” says Paul Doyle, who actually sent this message backwards, in Spanish. “Fernandes hit the outside of the post from 12 yards after being given the freedom of the box by the Arsenal defence. William Gallas bawled at his team-mates after that, brazenly.”

3.47pm Louise Taylor confirms that it’s business as usual for the Newcastle fans and Rob Styles. “Atmosphere strangely low-key here and some strange refereeing from Rob Styles. Nicky Butt got away unpunished with a neck-high, red-card-worthy challenge on Florent Malouda and Jonas Gutierrez got away scot free for a yellow-card-worthy tackle on Ashley Cole. Then Frank Lampard was rather harshly booked for diving when he had been clipped. Peter Lovenkrands is injured and has been replaced by Damien Duff. Lovenkrands looks in a bad way and Paul Ferris, Newcastle’s new head of medicine, has been talking anxiously into the mouthpiece on his walkie talkie headset.”

3.50pm So these are the half-time scores:

Arsenal 1-0 Man City
Bolton 2-1 Middlesbrough
Hull City 0-0 Portsmouth
Newcastle 0-0 Chelsea
West Brom 0-1 Stoke
West Ham 1-0 Sunderland

And this is how the table looks just now.

3.51pm “The Doyle effect: intellectualism also seems to be undermining Middlesborough’s defending if they ‘considered’ an awful goal,” says Ian Copestake, tittering at my 3.45pm update. I might set up a new social-networking site: Titter, in which people simply post entries that point out what a pitiful speciment of humanity I am.

3.59pm “Big Helen didn’t ring her bell for Pompey, it was for Man City, and unlike the guy at Pompey it wasn’t incessantly and devalued, it was when City really needed support she’d use it,” says Peter Green, in response to Richard Rae’s entry at 3.31pm. “It was probably kept behind emergency glass like a fire hose in a school, only broken out when needed. Also she passed away a few years ago sadly.”

4pm “I’ve seen enough of Middlesbrough this season to know exactly what you’re talking about,” says Nicholas Walton. “Sumptious, silky, and with as much potency and solidity as a marshmallow phallus. If the attack had even slightly functioned they’d be top half. Too good to go down etc.” And you just know they will take points off United when they play them.

4.01pm “The three half-time draw prizes were won by three consecutively numbered tickets. Mmm,” mmms Richard Rae. “About as fair as the competition to win £10,000 if you can kick a ball against the crossbar - from the halfway line.” I bet Jason Cundy could do it.

4.02pm Right, it’s time for some adult males to endeavour to play matchmaker between an object of the netty variety and the magical leather sphere.

4.03pm “You don’t like West Brom, do you Rob,” says Chris B. “Any chance of knowing why, apart from the fact we are seriously crap?” Quite the contrary: I was wowed by them when I did their game against Norwich last year, I think Chris Brunt has the capacity to be an extremely good player, and I have a huge amount of time for Tony Mowbray. But you are seriously etc, sadly.

4.04pm “So if not Big Helen, who rings the bell for Portsmouth?” asks Richard Rae. “Is it the tattooed bloke who looks vaguely like Noddy Holder?”

4.08pm In Germany, Wolfsburg are slaughtering Bayern Munich 5-1, while Hertha Berlin - the leaders this morning - are losing Borussia Dormund. So Wolfsburg, who were ninth at Christmas, are going top. You can get all the latest scores here.

4.09pm: West Brom 0-2 Stoke (Beattie 50) I give it 12 seconds before Gary Naylor emails to say that Tony Pulis should be Manager of the Year for signing James Beattie. But he’s got a point: Beattie now has six in 10 games and has scored a screamer that a) puts West Brom down, b) gives Stoke their first away win in the top flight since 1984 and c) gives Stoke a real, real chance of staying up: as things stand they are five points off relegation. What a marvellous job Pulis has done there with what is basically a collection of cattle.

4.11pm: Arsenal 2-0 Manchester City (Adebayor 51) Fabregas and Adebayor combine again to devastating effect. And to think we thought they might not finish fourth.

4.12pm: West Ham 2-0 Sunderland (Tomkins 53) Sunderland reluctantly accept West Ham’s moral right to turn their 1 into 2: James Tomkins is the second youngster to score for the Hammers. They go seventh; Sunderland will end today in 17th unless Portsmouth lose at Hull. They have Manchester United next, and are in serious trouble.

4.14pm “At half time Kath Cassidly, the long-serving St James’ Park press-room tea lady, confided that she is now on her 21st manager here,” says Louise Taylor. “She certainly has an excuse for feeling a little Messiah-ed out.” Don’t we all.

4.16pm: Newcastle 0-1 Chelsea (Lampard 55) Frank Lampard embraces his inner need to play party-pooper. Coloccini dithered risibly on the edge of his own area and was robbed by Anelka. His shot was deflected over Harper, onto the bar, and as it bounced down there was Fwank to head into the empty net.

4.17pm Alan Shearer has the look of a man who’s just swapped a cushy job coining it in by blathering inanities on a sofa for a job coining it in while trying to get blood out of a shower.

4.20pm “The Chelsea fans are chanting ‘Shearer, Shearer, what’s the score?’” says Louise Taylor. “Yet another shcoking error from Fabricio Coloccini let in Nicolas Anelka whose eventual shot against the woodwork, rebounded for Frank Lampard to put Guus Hiddink’s side one up….there are signs of the odd fraying managerial nerve in the home dug-out. When a Gutierrez cross failed to come off, Shearer was heard to proclaim ‘For God’s sake’.” Now he knows how we felt every Saturday night.

4.23pm Play, the state thereof:

Arsenal 2-0 Man City
Bolton 2-1 Middlesbrough
Hull City 0-0 Portsmouth
Newcastle 0-1 Chelsea
West Brom 0-2 Stoke
West Ham 2-0 Sunderland

4.25pm: Newcastle 0-2 Chelsea (Malouda 60) What’s happening is that our faithful hound Reality has just got herself a huge mouthful of Alan Shearer’s special place, and she’s biting like there’s no tomorrow. She won’t let go, bless her. She’s like a dog with a bone! Or, to translate, Frank Lampard has released Florent Malouda to make it 2-0 at St James’ Park. Just like he did last season, if memory serves, which it probably doesn’t given the abuse it’s taken these past 15 years.

4.27pm Newcastle’s next two games are away to Liverpool and Stoke. Just saying. You suspect that three games - at home to Portsmouth, Fulham and Middlesbrough - will decide whether they stay up, but by the time they get to those games they could be a fair away adrift.

4.31pm “The Chelsea fans are singing ‘ going down’ now,” reports Louise Taylor. “Malouda has made it two. No matter, still time for a Michael Owen hat-trick. Unfortunately Owen has barely touched the ball., Shearer has just replaced Kevin Nolan with Danny Guthrie. Will it be a tactical masterstroke.” The absence of a question-mark tells you all you need to know there.

4.32pm I was in a chipper mood. Then Alex Netherton, without even a single word by way of explanation, sent me this link. Oh, Alex!

4.33pm Michael Owen scores for Newcastle and, in a genuinely hilarious development, the assistant referee decides it hasn’t crossed the line before Ashley Cole clears. It was well in, “about an inch away from the net” according to Paul Merson on Sky. Who says injustice has to be depressin’?!

4.34pm Michael Owen must be starting to think he’s living a Truman Show-style existence, with every plot twist designed to push him ever closer to breaking point. Wait till Fabio Capello calls up David Nugent ahead of him for the next international.

4.36pm “I propose you start calling Shearer’s ’special place’ his ‘technical area’ from now on,” says Mac Millings. “Quite apart from the endless fun you could have with ‘Shearer’s fiddling around it his technical area’ jokes, it just seems like what he’d call it. Equally appropriately, Michael Owen calls his parts ‘my hopelessly outmoded point of attack’.”

4.37pm “Owen has just been robbed,” confirms Louise Taylor. “He appeared to have directed a shot over the line before Ashley Cole cleared the ball but Rob Styles merely waved play on. Replays showed it definitely crossed the line. Shearer has had a stern word with the fourth official. Maybe Hiddink wasn’t so wise to withdraw Anelka - whose headed flick created Malouda’s goal - after all. Newcastle have improved since his departure.” Di Santo replaced him, which is a peculiarly presumptious substitution at 2-0.

4.38pm: Bolton 3-1 Middlesbrough It’s all over. Matt Taylor’s long free-kick is left by everybody and sneaks into the net. You have to feel for Boro, who have played splendidly today, but who are going down unless they win at least four of their last seven. No, it’s not going to happen.

4.39pm “Seems NUFC needed a firefighter. Someone like Sam Allardyce, perhaps? Oh, wait…” says Robert Smithson. “Today, and perhaps even the rest of the season, won’t tell us much about Shearer’s ability. I think the only true lesson to come out of all this is: NEVER EVER BUY A FOOTBALL CLUB. Mike Ashley, you silly tool.”

4.40pm Richard Rae at Hull predicted this in the first half: Glen Johnson has been sent off for a second yellow card. Apparently that was a dodgy decision, but he could have been sent off approximately 97 times before that.

4.41pm “I know ‘Brazilian prima donna looks a bit ropey post-international fixture’ is hardly news,” begins Will Clunas, “but are we sure Robinho is still a professional footballer? Phoning it in is one thing; he’s texting it in, having borrowed his mate’s mobile to save credit.” He’s got his mate to text it for him an’ all.

4.44pm: Bolton 4-1 Middlesbrough (Gardner 84) This might be the weirdest 4-1 since Sampdoria mugged Napoli on their way to the title in 1990-91. Boro have dominated but are stung on the break by Ricardo Gardner. Bolton, with 37 points, are very nearly safe. Congratulations to Gary Megson, who gets dog’s abuse for… well what exactly?

4.47pm “There’s nothing much to say about proceedings in east Yorkshire,” says Richard Rae, cleverly using up 10 words of his quota* by saying that there’s not much to say. “One fine save by David James from Craig Fagan apart, there have been no efforts on goal worthy of the name. Glen Johnson was ridiculously sent off, a second yellow when Andy Dawson’s follow-through caught him on the knee. Looks like a point apiece.” Which you suspect both would have taken at the start. That’s fine for Portsmouth, whose home form will keep them up. Hull? I’m not so sure.

* We don’t actually have quotas. It’s not that bad here, although you do get locked in a cellar for 12 hours to dwell on what you’ve done if you misuse a semi-colon. And if you misuse a colon the gimp mask comes out

4.50pm “The Chelsea fans are now serenading Shearer with chants of ‘You’re getting sacked in the morning’,” reports Louise Taylor of that ever-witty bunch. “Andy Carroll is on for Obafemi Martins.”

4.54pm It has finished Newcastle 0-2 Chelsea, so for a couple of hours they are second in the table. It has also finished West Brom 0-2 Stoke and Bolton 4-1 Middlesbrough. Both those clubs are probably down, and the last place is probably between Newcastle (29 points), Sunderland (32) and Hull (34), who have just drawn 0-0 with ten-man Portsmouth, but Pompey hit the post in the final minute through Herman Hreidarsson. Portsmouth have 33 points, but they have a game in hand on Hull - a gimme at Old Trafford - and enough momentum (P6 W2 D3 L1 since they sacked the piano player) to get the points they need.

4.57pm Arsenal have beaten Manchester City 2-0, the same scoreline by which West Ham have disposed of Sunderland. So that’s just about it. The league table is here - “Funny how the PL table is arranged by wins. I guess they’re important…” notes Nathan Phillips - and I’m off to watch Andrea Dossena score 94 goals at Craven Cottage. Night.

• Stamford Bridge manager has his doubts about rookies
• Chelsea must tackle Newcastle today without Didier Drogba

Guus Hiddink has warned Alan Shearer that his experience as a leading player will not prepare him fully for management. Although the Chelsea manager expects Shearer’s appointment to galvanise Newcastle United, beginning today at St James’ Park in their Premier League fixture, he believes that former players who have not taken coaching courses are wrong to think they know it all. He also feels the most outstanding players, of which Shearer was one, can have trouble as managers in relating to others who are less gifted.

“It’s not always when you are a top player that you are guaranteed to be a top manager as well,” said Hiddink who, like Shearer, is in interim charge at his club until the end of the season. “Most of the time the players who have not reached the top level, they sometimes can imagine a little bit more what the difficulties are [of] not being top. Top players think everything, because of their talent, is going to happen automatically. For them, having the talent, it’s rather normal. But for most players who are not that gifted, you have to help them out in practice in a different way and it’s not a guarantee.”

Hiddink said that in the Netherlands the appointments of top former players without the requisite qualifications could happen under exceptional circumstances, but in general they enrol first on fast-track coaching courses. Shearer follows Gareth Southgate, Paul Ince and Gianfranco Zola in taking a Premier League job without the supposedly mandatory Uefa Pro Licence.

“You must also add many tools to be a manager and that’s why we set up a course [in the Netherlands] for ex-international players,” said Hiddink. “It is not as long as the normal course, which is four to five years. It is instead one and a half years for people like Gullit, Rijkaard and Van Basten. First, the players react by saying ‘Ah, it’s not necessary, I know everything about football.’ But when you start these courses, after two months they say, ‘It’s very interesting to know a lot more about managing a team or a club.’

“We aim [as managers] every day [at] a strategic, physical or tactical aspect of the game. That’s the part where the new managers have to broaden their knowledge and they get interested. I have the experience of players saying, ‘I know the game,’ and that’s what you have on top of your course. These are several aspects of being a manager. You can have your studies and your practice.”

Hiddink, 62, who admits he is still learning new managerial tricks, has the utmost respect for Shearer, who scored twice in England’s 4–1 victory over his Holland team at Euro 96. “I felt isolated that day,” said Hiddink. “It was a big defeat but we were lucky to score our goal which got us through to the quarter-finals. Shearer is quite a personality and always gives his influence in a team.”

Chelsea can expect to feel the force of it today. “Sometimes in these circumstances any input, especially from someone with a big personality and history with the club, is good,” said Hiddink, who will be without Didier Drogba today due to an ankle problem. “He [Shearer] may have no experience of being a manager but in this phase of the league it is not always important to know how to do training sessions in a responsible way. It’s more about the psychological and mental input from ex-players like him.”

Hiddink feels that Shearer is in a “no-lose situation”, while he reiterated his own intention to leave Chelsea even though he has just overseen Russia’s unimpressive World Cup qualifying wins over Azerbaijan and Liechtenstein amid criticism and demands that he quit the job some pundits claim he is not fully focused on.

• Drogba and Bosingwa to miss Newcastle trip
• Fábregas and Walcott back for Arsenal

Arsenal v Manchester City (Saturday, 3pm)

Arsenal welcome back Cesc Fábregas after three months out with medial knee ligament injury, but the Gunners will have to make do without leading scorer Robin van Persie, who injured his groin while playing for Holland against Scotland last Saturday, and Eduardo who suffered a similar problem while playing for Croatia.

Midfielder Abou Diaby (thigh) is out while Samir Nasri (virus) and Carlos Vela, who has had to make a long journey back from Mexico duty, are also doubtful.

However, Theo Walcott and Emmanuel Adebayor return as does Nicklas Bendtner (knee).

Arsenal (from): Almunia, Sagna, Toure, Gallas, Clichy, Walcott, Denilson, Fábregas, Arshavin, Bendtner, Adebayor, Fabianski, Djourou, Gibbs, Vela, Eboue, Silvestre, Song, Nasri.

Manchester City manager Mark Hughes could be without striker Craig Bellamy but expects top-scorer Robinho to be fit for selection against Arsenal.

Bellamy is a major doubt with the knee injury that flared up again on international duty with Wales and forced him to miss his country’s midweek defeat to Germany.

Robinho also limped off during Brazil’s 3-0 win over Peru on Wednesday, but Hughes is hopeful the 24-year-old will be available as City try and claim a first away league win since August.

Wayne Bridge could return from a hamstring strain, while Michael Johnson, Martin Petrov, Daniel Sturridge, Benjani and Didi Hamann are all nearing return from injury.

Manchester City (from): Given, Richards, Onuoha, Dunne, Zabaleta, Wright-Phillips, Elano, De Jong, Kompany, Robinho, Bojinov, Bridge, Garrido, Fernandes, Evans, Etuhu, Berti, Vassell, McGivern, Hart.

Blackburn v Tottenham (Saturday, 12.45pm)

Blackburn striker Roque Santa Cruz is to see a specialist next week if he fails to show signs of a recovery from a knee tendon injury.

The Paraguay international has been out for a month and misses a fifth successive game tomorrow when Tottenham visit Ewood Park for an early afternoon clash in the Premier League.

It is the same situation with midfielder David Dunn, who has been out of action for three weeks with an achilles problem.

Midfielder Vince Grella has returned to training following a groin injury and, although in the squad, tomorrow’s game probably comes too soon for him to figure.

Allardyce’s injury list stretches to four key players, with Brett Emerton and Steven Reid on the long-term casualty list.

Blackburn (from): Robinson, Bunn, Ooijer, Khizanishvili, Nelsen, Samba, Simpson, Warnock, Givet, Olsson, Villanueva, Tugay, Andrews, Diouf, Treacy, Mokoena, McCarthy, Roberts, Pedersen, Grella.

Tottenham club captain Ledley King should be fit for the trip to Ewood Park after resting his suspect knee during the international break.

Alan Hutton returned for Scotland from his foot injury last week but Jermain Defoe is still out, also with a foot complaint, although he is running again.

Spurs boss Harry Redknapp will make late checks on players who have been on international duty such as Wilson Palacios, Luka Modric and Darren Bent – who hobbled out of England training this week.

Tottenham (from): Gomes, Cudicini, Corluka, Hutton, Chimbonda, Bale, Assou-Ekotto, King, Woodgate, Dawson, Modric, Jenas, Zokora, Lennon, Huddlestone, Palacios, O’Hara, Bentley, Pavlyuchenko, Campbell, Keane, Bent.

Everton v Wigan (Sunday, 3pm)

Everton manager David Moyes will make a late decision on the fitness of Tim Cahill for Sunday’s visit of Wigan as the midfielder has not yet returned from international duty.

The Australian has spent the last week in Sydney recovering from a calf injury but did not play any part in the Socceroos’ 2-0 win over Uzbekistan on Wednesday.

Moyes is also waiting for the return of American goalkeeper Tim Howard, the only other player yet to make it back after the internationals.

Right-back Tony Hibbert has resumed training after a thigh problem but may not be ready to play against the Latics.

Everton (from): Howard, Neville, Jagielka, Lescott, Baines, Pienaar, Osman, Cahill, Fellaini, Saha, Jo, Rodwell, Baxter, Nash, Castillo, Jacobsen, Gosling, Wallace, Van der Meyde.

Wigan will be without Amr Zaki after the Egyptian striker again failed to return from international duty on time. It is the fourth time this season Zaki has gone walkabout after an Egypt game and looks set to be heavily fined by Steve Bruce as a result.

Jason Koumas has a hip problem which needs to be assessed, otherwise the Latics squad is at full strength.

Wigan (from): Kirkland, Melchiot, Bramble, Boyce, Figueroa, Watson, Brown, Scharner, Kapo, N’Zogbia, De Ridder, Rodallega, Mido, Kingson, Pollitt, Edman, Cho.

Bolton v Middlesbrough (Saturday, 3pm)

Bolton’s players all returned unscathed from international duty leaving midfielders Mark Davies and Joey O’Brien (both knee) the only absentees. Defender Andy O’Brien could feature after being rested in their last game.

Bolton (from): Jaaskelainen, Steinsson, Cahill, Andy O’Brien, Samuel, Riga, Taylor, McCann, Muamba, Gardner, Kevin Davies, Elmander, Al Habsi, Hunt, Puygrenier, Makukula, Shittu.

Middlesbrough winger Adam Johnson faces a fitness test after picking up two knocks playing for England’s Under-21s. Meanwhile, Chris Riggott returns from injury, midfielder Matthew Bates is back from suspension, but Robert Huth is a doubt with a sore knee.

Middlesbrough (from): Jones, Turnbull, Hoyte, McMahon, Taylor, Grounds, Huth, Pogatetz, Wheater, Riggott, Aliadiere, O’Neil, Johnson, Bates, Walker, Shawky, Downing, Emnes, Alves, Tuncay, King.

Fulham v Liverpool (Saturday, 5.15pm)

Mark Schwarzer and Clint Dempsey will play for Fulham in tomorrow’s clash with Liverpool. Australia goalkeeper Schwarzer and USA winger Dempsey only returned from international duty this morning but have already been involved in training.

Fulham (from): Schwarzer, Pantsil, Stoor, Hughes, Hangeland, Konchesky, Baird, Davies, Etuhu, Dacourt, Murphy, Gera, Dempsey, Johnson, Zamora, Zuberbuhler, Kallio, Nevland, Kamara, Gray, Barnes.

Liverpool are likely to be without defender Sami Hyypia and midfielder Yossi Benayoun for the trip to Fulham.

Hyypia returned from international duty with a knee injury, and manager Rafael Benítez doubts that the centre-back will be fit for the evening kick-off at Craven Cottage. He could be fit for Wednesday’s Champions League clash with Chelsea, however.

Benayoun went on World Cup qualifying duty with Israel already with a hamstring injury and now also has a calf problem.

Liverpool (from): Reina, Arbeloa, Agger, Carragher, Skrtel, Aurelio, Dossena, Babel, Mascherano, Gerrard, Alonso, Lucas, Torres, Kuyt, Ngog, Insua, Cavalieri, Riera.

Hull v Portsmouth (Saturday, 3pm)

Striker Daniel Cousin is Hull’s only doubt for tomorrow’s visit of Portsmouth. Cousin has missed the last two games with a back complaint and, having not reported for international duty with Gabon, must still prove his fitness.

The club’s other injury concerns, Michael Turner (thigh), Kamil Zayatte (knee), Andy Dawson (thigh) and captain Ian Ashbee (hamstring), are all fit.

George Boateng (knee) is set to return to full training next week but Anthony Gardner (back) and Jimmy Bullard (knee) are out for the season.

Hull (from): Duke, Ricketts, Turner, Zayatte, Dawson, Mendy, Ashbee, Marney, Kilbane, Geovanni, Manucho, Garcia, Barmby, Fagan, Halmosi, Folan, Doyle, Hughes, France, Cousin, Myhill.

Peter Crouch, David James and Glen Johnson have all returned unscathed from England duty for Portsmouth’s clash at Hull and Niko Kranjcar has reported no ill-effects after his efforts for Croatia.

On-loan Liverpool winger Jermaine Pennant has recovered from a thigh injury and should return to the attack, enabling Johnson to revert to his more familiar full-back role but Armand Traore’s hopes of a first-team recall have been hit by a damaged ankle playing for France Under-21s.

Reserve goalkeeper Jamie Ashdown is back after three months out with an ankle ligament injury and could return as cover for James on the substitutes’ bench but Jerome Thomas and Marc Wilson picked up further knocks in their midweek comeback attempts for the reserves.

Portsmouth (from): James, Johnson, Campbell, Distin, Hreidarsson, Pennant, Mullins, Davis, Nugent, Kranjcar, Crouch, Kanu, Kaboul, Pamarot, Utaka, Hughes, Belhadj, Basinas, Ashdown, Begovic.

Manchester United v Aston Villa (Sunday, 4pm)

Gary Neville is expected to return for the first time since January as Manchester United look to halt a two-game losing sequence against Aston Villa at Old Trafford.

Neville has been struggling to overcome a groin injury but came through a reserve team outing on Monday without a problem and is set to figure for Sir Alex Ferguson’s side.

Wayne Rooney, Paul Scholes and Nemanja Vidic are all suspended, Dimitar Berbatov (ankle) is out for a fortnight and Anderson is not likely to play after picking up a knee injury on World Cup duty with Brazil.

Manchester United (from): Van der Sar, Foster, Kuszczak, Neville, O’Shea, Ferdinand, Evans, Evra, Fabio, Ronaldo, Nani, Fletcher, Gibson, Possebon, Carrick, Park, Giggs, Tevez, Welbeck.

Gabriel Agbonlahor could be restored to the Aston Villa line-up as they look to end a run of eight games without a win in all competitions against Manchester United.

Agbonlahor was left out of the starting XI for the 5-0 mauling by Liverpool at Anfield before the international break with John Carew and Emile Heskey preferred in attack. But Heskey is ruled out with a hamstring injury he suffered after scoring the opening goal in England’s 4-0 win over Slovakia at Wembley last weekend.

O’Neill has to decide whether left-back Wilfred Bouma is ready to play any part after eight months out with a dislocated ankle. He came through a third reserve game in mid-week with no ill effects.

Aston Villa (from): Friedel, Guzan, Reo-Coker, L. Young, Knight, Cuellar, Davies, Shorey, Bouma, Milner, Gardner, Petrov, Barry, Sidwell, Salifou, A. Young, Agbonlahor, Carew, Delfouneso, Heskey.

Newcastle v Chelsea (Saturday, 3pm)

Newcastle manager Alan Shearer hopes to have three key players available for his first game in charge against Chelsea tomorrow.

Steven Taylor (ankle) and Sebastien Bassong (groin) are improving and have not yet been ruled out, while Damien Duff (hamstring) was expected to train today. Danny Guthrie is back in contention after an eight-match lay-off with a torn hamstring and strikers Andy Carroll (ankle) and Xisco (fractured toe) have returned to training.

But Shola Ameobi is out with an ankle problem and Joey Barton (fractured metatarsal), Mark Viduka and Ignacio Gonzalez (both achilles) remain on the sidelines.

Newcastle (from): Kirkland, Melchiot, Bramble, Boyce, Figueroa, Watson, Brown, Scharner, Kapo, N’Zogbia, De Ridder, Rodallega, Mido, Kingson, Pollitt, Edman, Cho.: Harper, Forster, Krul, S Taylor, Beye, Bassong, Coloccini, Enrique, Edgar, Cacapa, Butt, Duff, R Taylor, Gutierrez, Nolan, Guthrie, Lovenkrands, Geremi, Smith, Martins, Owen, Carroll, Xisco.

Chelsea are without striker Didier Drogba and right-back Jose Bosingwa for the trip to Newcastle. Drogba jarred his ankle in a training ground accident while Bosingwa returned from international duty with Portugal suffering from a hamstring strain.

Chelsea are boosted by the return of fit-again Nicolas Anelka. The France international has shaken off his toe problem to be included in the squad.

Chelsea (from): Cech, Hilario, Taylor, Belletti, Alex, Ivanovic, Terry, Mancienne, A Cole, Lampard, Ballack, Deco, Obi, Kalou, Essien, Malouda, Di Santo, Anelka, Quaresma, Stoch.

West Brom v Stoke (Saturday, 3pm)

West Brom defender Abdoulaye Meite returns to the squad for tomorrow’s clash against Stoke.

Meite has recovered from a hamstring problem and illness, although he may have to be content with a place on the bench as manager Tony Mowbray is set to continue with Jonas Olsson and Shelton Martis at the centre of defence. Albion have only conceded one goal in the two games they have played together.

Mowbray looks set to retain the side that started West Brom’s last match – the 1-1 draw against Bolton.

West Brom (from): Carson, Kiely, Zuiverloon, Hoefkens, Olsson, Martis, Donk, Pele, Meite, Robinson, Cech, Koren, Teixeira, Do-Heon, Valero, Brunt, Simpson, Fortune, Bednar, Moore, Menseguez.

Stoke manager Tony Pulis will assess the fitness of his international quartet ahead of tomorrow’s visit to West Brom.

Republic of Ireland duo Glenn Whelan and Stephen Kelly, Senegal star Abdoulaye Faye and Denmark goalkeeper Thomas Sorensen were all due to return to training this morning.

Kelly is likely to be on standby for full-back Andy Wilkinson (back), while Pulis has jet-lag fears over Faye who played in a friendly fixture in Iran.

Amdy Faye will be recalled in central midfield if Salif Diao (groin) fails a fitness test, but striker Mamady Sidibe will play no further part this season after a damaged cruciate ligament was confirmed.

Stoke (from): Sorensen, Wilkinson, Shawcross, Abdoulaye Faye, Higginbotham, Lawrence, Diao, Whelan, Delap, Beattie, Fuller, Simonsen, Etherington, Amdy Faye, Camara, Sonko, Cresswell, Cort, Pugh, Tonge, Griffin, Olofinjana.

West Ham v Sunderland (Saturday, 3pm)

West Ham striker Carlton Cole has a groin injury and may be out for the rest of the season. Scott Parker is carrying a groin problem but may still play, while Radoslav Kovac (thigh) has also picked up a knock.

Central defenders Matthew Upson and James Collins are both fit for selection after missing the last two matches, Savio Nsereko has recovered from a minor knee injury, but Valon Behrami, Jack Collison (both knee) and Danny Gabbidon (back/stomach) are out.

West Ham (from): Green, Neill, Tomkins, Spector, Ilunga, Noble, Parker, Kovac, Boa Morte, López, Tristán, Payne, Di Michele, Dyer, Lastuvka, Sears, N’Gala, Stanislas, Upson, Collins, Savio.

Kieran Richardson returns from suspension for Sunderland’s game against West Ham. But George McCartney is a doubt after sustaining a calf injury in Northern Ireland’s win over Slovenia on Wednesday and Calum Davenport is ineligible because he is on loan from the Hammers.

Ricky Sbragia will give late fitness checks to Kenwyne Jones and Carlos Edwards, who did not get back from international duty in the USA until Friday.

Craig Gordon is pushing for a return after playing for Scotland in midweek and Nyron Nosworthy returns to the squad after coming through a reserve game on Thursday.

Sunderland (from): Fulop, Gordon, Bardsley, Ferdinand, Ben-Haim, Collins, Nosworthy, McCartney, McShane, Edwards, Malbranque, Whitehead, Leadbitter, Richardson, Reid, Murphy, Jones, Healy, Cisse.

• Ivorian will be fit for Liverpool quarter-final
• Bosingwa also out but Anelka returns after toe injury

Guus Hiddink will have to make do without Didier Drogba when the Chelsea manager sends out his side to face Alan Shearer’s Newcastle United at St James’ Park tomorrow, but the striker will be fit to face Liverpool in the Champions League quarter-final on Wednesday.

Hiddink revealed that Drogba, who has scored four goals in his last seven games for Chelsea, jarred an ankle while training and will miss the encounter against relegation-endangered Newcastle. Jose Bosingwa also misses out after sustaining a hamstring problem while on international duty with Portugal. Bosingwa’s compatriot, Ricardo Carvalho, also suffered a minor problem but the centre-back is expected to recover in time.

“Not everyone came back fit,” said Hiddink. “Bosingwa got a hamstring injury and will not be available for tomorrow’s game. We will see what he can do up to Wednesday. Carvalho has a little bruise but not much, he is in the squad. I forgot as well, yesterday – I am not a man of secrets – Drogba has a problem. We did some exercises where he got injured, he will not be in the squad tomorrow, [he has] a little bit of problem.

“The problem is in the ankle, we did some shooting practice and he hit the ground with his toe and the reaction was in his ankle. Anelka is fit. He practised the last days better and better so he is in the squad.”

• ‘Shearer is regarded as a god up there – and quite rightly so’
• Bosingwa and Deco expected to recover from injury for Newcastle trip

The England midfielder Frank Lampard has urged Chelsea to combat “the Shearer effect” at St James’ Park tomorrow in order to keep their fading title hopes alive.

The Geordie faithful will provide temporary manager Alan Shearer with a thunderous reception when the former Newcastle and England striker takes charge of the Magpies for the first time. But Chelsea, who retain the best away record in the top flight, are used to silencing the dreams of the home fans and Lampard hopes they can do the same once more on Tyneside.

“We had the same scenario when we went and played Manchester City just after they signed Robinho,” recalled Lampard. “But we have to react to the atmosphere and we have to try and get a result to put us back on track after the Tottenham game.”

The Blues ran out comfortable 3–1 winners against Manchester City despite going behind to a deflected Robinho free-kick. But Lampard acknowledges there will be the Shearer factor to overcome as the former United striking legend steps out to a hero’s welcome.

“You can imagine what the atmosphere is going to be like,” said Lampard. “Alan Shearer is regarded as a god up there – and quite rightly so after what he achieved for the club. He will definitely get the Newcastle fans going and he will get the Newcastle players going.”

Lampard’s views are echoed by the Chelsea and England captain John Terry. He is determined to wreck Shearer’s return. “The title race is still not over for us and we will be going there to hopefully upset him [Shearer] in his first game in charge,” said Terry. “Alan Shearer is Newcastle through and through and him taking over as the manager is going to give them a massive lift. But it is down to us to go there, show what we are capable of, which we have been doing a lot of the time recently, and get a result.”

Chelsea are hoping that their full-back Jose Bosingwa will be fit to face United after collecting a gashed leg while on international duty with Portugal, while his fellow Portugal internationals, Deco and Ricardo Carvalho, both returned to Chelsea on Thursday and joined in with light training. Deco has recovered from his hamstring problem and is expected to be in the squad for the game against United.

The striker Nicolas Anelka, still struggling with a bruised toe which forced him to pull out of the France squad, trained with the rest of the Chelsea team yesterday but is likely to miss out on the trip to Tyneside.

• Shearer appointed until end of season
• Former captain becomes club’s fifth manager of the season

Alan Shearer is to take over as Newcastle United’s manager until the end of the season in a sensational move which will see the club’s former captain, who has no coaching experience, charged with the task of avoiding relegation.

Newcastle sit third from bottom of the Premier League and have turned to their popular former striker after a desperate run of form under the caretaker manager, Chris Hughton, and amid concerns over the health of Joe Kinnear.

Kinnear was appointed as a short-term “firefighter” in September but has not worked since undergoing a triple heart bypass operation in February. He has an appointment with a cardiologist on Monday but the club has decided in advance of that to make a managerial change.

Shearer has long been expected to take the reins at St James’ Park at some point but it is something of a surprise that he has chosen to do so amid such turbulence and uncertainty over the club’s future. His appointment comes after the owner, Mike Ashley, had ignored him in the past.

Shearer signalled earlier this season that he was ready to accept the job in the right circumstances but the team looked in a far healthier position at that point despite the departure of Kevin Keegan as manager. Newcastle have won just one of their past 12 league games, a narrow victory over the bottom club West Bromwich Albion, and Shearer’s first two matches in charge look daunting. He will start on Saturday at home to Chelsea and then take the team to Newcastle’s fellow strugglers Stoke City for a crucial game.

Opinion is likely to be divided among Newcastle fans over Shearer’s appointment. Although many will be delighted to see their former hero back, other may be concerned by his lack of managerial experience. He becomes the fourth person to take charge at the club this season, with the owner, Mike Ashley, finally deciding he could no longer allow the team to drift under Hughton while waiting for Kinnear to recover from surgery.

It seems highly unlikely that Shearer’s appointment will not turn out to be a longer-term deal, even though Ashley’s own future at the club is uncertain after he tried to sell Newcastle earlier this season. In the immediate term, though, nothing matters to both men other than gathering enough points from the remaining eight games to ensure safety.